Unanswered [4] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

giving more chance for women can cause some problem?what are your views?


thinhtvdhtm 41 / 97  
Oct 15, 2009   #1
i am preparing for ielts, my writing is very bad, could u help me check this essay, thank so much

Task 2. Nowadays, there are more opportunities for women than there were in the past. Some people think this situation has caused more problems than it has solved. What are your views on this?

There is no doubt that in modern society, women have more chance to develop themselves, and there are also no any differences in the treatment between men and women. However, some people hold the opinion that this situation has resulted in more problems than it has solved. Personally, I partly disagree with those people; in this essay, I will give my reasons to support my views.

To begin with, giving more opportunities for women nowadays can not only help them develop their abilities, but also improve their contribution to society. In the past, most women had no chance to develop themselves, and they were treated unfairly. However, in most countries in the world now women have more opportunities like men have. Women and men are welcome to attend university to improve develop themselves. As a result, there are more and more female professionals in all fields such as research scientists, biography, geography, politics, which means that women have large contributions to society as well as the process develop of human beings. For example, a female professional in technology can create new products and apply those products to improve our living standard. A female politician can contribute to govern their country as well as make policies to develop their country.

However, some people consider that this situation can cause some problems; those people believe that when women have chance to gain their own achievement, they are attracted by success, famousness and forget their duty: look after their families. Some children are not well-behaved and those people blame this mistake on women. It is sure that motherhood is as important as fatherhood; thus, why looking family is duty only for women, is it unfair? I strongly believe that men should share this duty and take responsibility for looking children together.

To sum up, giving more chances for women helps them develop and acquire their achievements in the life as well as brings more benefit from women's achievements.

worldbound10 4 / 18  
Oct 16, 2009   #2
I would take out the part at the end of the first essay - "in this essay, I will give my reasons to support my views."

Your essay makes good points, but you might want to add a few more specific examples of things from around the womany rld, instead of just general statements.

Also, I find the last paragraph to be confusing, and I'm not really sure what you're trying to say.

Develop it a bit more and I think you will have a good essay!
tuanlnc 10 / 36  
Oct 17, 2009   #3
Hi,

I agree with worldbound10, "develop themselves" is used three times. Instead of replicating it, you can use other words such as widen their knowledge, advance their career path, achieve their aims, or improve their capability.

Also, "there are also no any differences in the treatment between men and women", I feel that this sentence doesn't make sense as well as has grammar issue, why did you use "no"? Can you try this, reducing the discrimination between men and women brings more opportunity for women to thrive their talent.

It's more convincing if you can add some successful women such as Angela Merkel, Harry Cliton, Codoleezza Rice, or one of Nobel laucreates in chemistry 2009 is a woman.

I think it's easy to comment essay of other people, but writing ourselves is not easy at all. That is the reason why we should cross check to help each other.

Good job,


Home / Writing Feedback / giving more chance for women can cause some problem?what are your views?