IELTS: Global music has more positive impacts on humans than traditional music

TOPIC: There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

ANSWER:
It is irrefutable that music is becomming more and more popular all over the world. Music brings many beneficial effects to human that we can not ignore, and I would argue that international music should be valued over national music.

There are many convincing opinions why people need music. Firstly, music helps people feel happy and energetic. After a hard-working day, people use music as a cure to reduce stress and tiredness. Secondly, music plays a vital role in important national ceremonies. One example is the national anthem. People always sing it together at the beginning of important events. Besides, music may help the brain works more effectively. A recent research shows that if a man listens to music for five minutes before going to sleep, his brain will become more brilliant than those who do not do the same. Furthermore, music provides high job oppotunities. For those who are out of work, they can become singers, dancers or song composers if they have an instinct related to music. These are reasons why people can not live without music.

From my point of view, it is wrong to say that national music is more important than international music. The main reason for this idea is that international music can help human get more closer together. Black and white, men and women, they are now living in a universal family which we call " the Earth". Moreover, citizens from all parts of the world can have a chance to discover the diversity of cultures through songs. If international music did not exist, our lives would be unimaginable.

In conclusion, music plays an indespensible part in our lives and although the importance of traditional music can not be denied, I believe that global music has more positive impacts on humans.

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All comments are welcomed :) hope you guys will help me. thanks a lot !

I love this essay, you have good structure where in the first body paragraph you compose one idea paragraph and second body paragraph is multiple ideas.

this is common mistake that I usually find in IELTS essay, you must write 'cannot' in one word

I think you're confused because both of them are right. After "help", the verb can be V-infinitive/ to-V/ V-ing. This is what I learned at school :)


About the sentence above, I changed it into this: "He will become more brilliant than those who do not do the same. For the ones who are out of work,...."

What do you think? :)
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By the way, thanks so much for your help :)