Toefl: Is this good enough to get 24 score in writing section.

In some countries teenagers have job while they are still students. Do you think this is a good idea? Support your opinion by using specefic reasons and details.

Yes, I think that earning some money during the student life is a good idea. It helps student to understand the value of money. Working also helps to develop responsiblity and discipline in life.

First of all, working will help students to understand the value of money. Most of the student do not understand the value of hard earn money, as they get their pocket money from their parents. Where as when they get their salary after their full devotation for a month, they will value it very much. This money can be used as their pocket money or for their studies as well and can even help thier parents.

Secondly, this is very good concept because it teaches student some very important qualities in life. Like it teaches student to be punctual. For example, if student work in a resturant they have to be there on time otherwise they may lose their job. They will also learn cooperation, as if some other members in the resturant are not well then, in that case, how one should help him by taking over his/her work? This will prepare them for future; when they will land up in this compitative world. Furthermore, this will also teach them the importance of bearing the responsiblities. For example, setteling accounts on time or if some body is not comeng how to manage the situation without affecting the coustomers.

In this way, working while being student is good concept as it teaches the student value of money and some important qualities of life.

Generally, I try to avoid giving scores, because writing is so subjective as to make doing so unhelpful most of the time. I can give you some pointers on making your writing stronger, though.

One way to improve your essay is to combine sentences that rely on the same main verb. So,

"Yes, I think that earning some money during the student life is a good idea. It helps student to understand the value of money. Working also helps to develop responsiblity and discipline in life."

could become

"Yes, I think that students should earn some money while they are still students. This helps students learn the value of money and develop a sense of personal responsibility and discipline."

Also, work on fixing the small grammatical errors that crop up from time to time in your writing:

"First of all, working will help students to understand the value of money. Most of the student do not understand the value of hard earned money, as they get their pocket money from their parents. Whereas, when they get their pay cheque after their full devotion for a month of hard work , they will value it very much. This money can be used as their pocket money or to support their studies, or to help their parents."

Aye, the more concise the better, as multiple writers have noted. However, your fix for the sentence changes his original meaning, which clearly contrasted the use of the money as pocket money with the use of the money as support for studies, rather than treating them as the same idea. He could have gone with

"This money can be used for pocket money, for their studies, or for helping their parents."

which is actually better in that it is more parallel than my original suggestion, while still preserving the original meaning. I felt that the two "or"s in my first correction were justified, though, as the first two items in the list contrast with each other, whereas both contrast with the third, which does not benefit the student himself directly as the first two do. This also explains my comma usage there, btw.