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'I would like to live in a big city' - For Toefl writting - need a score


fishbaby 1 / 1  
Sep 17, 2009   #1
Contemporarily ,there is a public debate between living in a small town and in a big city .A fair proportion of people contend that life in a small town is their preference .Nevertheless ,other people advocate that living in a big city makes their life more excited .In my point of view ,I am inclined to be on the side of living in a big city .There are numerous reasons which can support my position .Among which ,living in a big city can provide more job opportunities ,bring more convenience and better education .

It can provide more job opportunities living in big cities than in small towns. There is a large amount of consumption in citizens' daily lives. In order to meet the needs of such a high speed of depletion, companies need to employ more employees to produce more products. A survey was carried out on the proportion of commercial and industrial corporations and companies in different areas, the result of which were surprising, 80.34% of them are located in big cities. It really shows the larger amount of opportunities which big cities provide. Thus, there is more job opportunities in big cites than in small towns. We can hardly imagine the situation without more job opportunities in big cities. It will bring the commercial activities unbalanced. There will be deficient consumption in big cities, but too much sufficient in small towns. In conclusion, there are more job opportunities in big cities than in small towns.

The reason above, however, can not explain why I choose to live in big cities. The convenience is also my considering factor. The living condition, traffic transportation are what we should take into account first. In big cities, there are better living places and convenient traffic transportation than in small towns. People can easily find their favorable living places and go wherever they like with certain transport .According to an investigation, the index of living condition in big cities is 70.28% higher than in small towns. Meanwhile, the convenience of traffic is 89.75% higher. Thus, Living in big cities can bring more convenience than in small towns. Without so much convenience, lives will become depress. So there is more convenience in big cities than in small towns.

Admittedly, living in a small town also has its merits, fresh air, few traffic jams, less pollution. However, the education carries more weight than all above. The education is less advanced than in big cites.

After all I mentioned above, it would be reasonable to believe that I would like to live in a big city.

cutestchloe 2 / 2  
Sep 17, 2009   #2
you might want to change the last sentence
end with a firm belief

it would be reasonable to believe that...
sounds a little too weak...
once you have chosen the sides or stance
you shud commit to it till the last sentence
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Sep 17, 2009   #3
Sorry. Can't give you a score. Would you like some feedback instead?
litingjiao 7 / 24  
Sep 17, 2009   #4
Fishbaby you're Chinese and you learned English in New Oriental School! I was a victim too... From your essay I guess your teacher was probably Frank from Shenyang as well:)
litingjiao 7 / 24  
Sep 17, 2009   #5
You shouldn't rely on his format too much. I find it very hard to finish an essay using the methods he taught us within 30 minutes. We have to jump into the main topic immediately when we write or we wouldn't be able to finish all the arguements in time. The opening part is not that good anyway... and wordy.(word count is often more than 350. This essay of yours is 430!!) So why not be straightforward?
OP fishbaby 1 / 1  
Sep 19, 2009   #6
I'm a green hand,I really need your feedback.
khoctham 6 / 12  
Sep 20, 2009   #7
i am afraid that it is too long


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