General Ielts: Governments should encourage employers to choose young people?

As a matter of fact, the majority of companies these days do not respect to young Beginner people's rights and talents and rarely give them opportunity to being employee. In this case, I absolutely agree with governments should force companies to use young people even they are tenderfoot otherwise, several problems makes by just simple issue!

Firstly the fact of the matter is that most important government's duties is protecting their people at least by prepares their foods, jobs and securities but if they ignore the young and inexperience's rights, who would be protect them? Government should support and inspirit companies use the young people abilities to avoid of increasing joblessness and makes them ready to use of their abilities for future in more important job situations.

Secondly Young people aspects government to prepare their gob after graduate and this is their aims of studying and if they neglected by their society maybe they should never try to graduate as soon as they can and our society were into less graduate.

Thirdly some expert believe that specially young joblessness people increase crimes rates in societies and if government what to decline felonies they absolutely shall decrease their jobless people amount bye provide much more job's opportunities specially for young and experience less people.

For these reasons ,I tend to agree with this view that it is kind of government duty to encourage and even force the companies to choose young people for their employing plans to avoid of increasing joblessness and makes students hopeful about their future.

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Please write your advices to me.
Thanks in advance.

When you say "as a matter of fact," you are asserting that what you say is true, not just your opinion. Do you really know that the majority of companies choose not to hire young people? If not, phrase this less decisively: Many companies fail to respect the rights and talents of young people, rarely giving them the opportunity to prove themselves.

thanx for your advice, I changed it to "Some people argue that"

I think you have to revise your grammar, just few errors I'd like to point out.


My corretion:
I absolutely agree that governments should force companies to use young people even if they are tenderfoot. Otherwise, this may cause several problems.

1.I agree with noun

If you want to start a new sentence you should say

I agree that subject+verb

2. You have to put 'if' or 'though' after 'even' to start new sentence.

I could be wrong with this because I'm not an expert in English as well.

Dear john.
You are absolutly right.
Tanx.

You could also improve your essay by using less wordy phrasing:

"Firstly the fact of the matter is that most important of the government's duties is protecting its people"

"For these reasons ,I tend to agree with this view that it is kind ofthe government's duty to encourage and even force the companies to choose young people"

In your last paragraph, i prefer "In conclusion, ..." instead of "For these reasons...". Reason is, it is more clear and direct. keep it simple and avoid mark down due to mistake.