IELTS GT -- should governments be responsible to help the unemployed and homeless

This is today's test in China. and the following is exactly my response to the task. Could somebody help review. I am wondering if I can expect a band 7.

Thanks in advance.

Unemployment is clearly a global problem, be it in developed countries or developing ones. However, I tend to believe it is the responsibility of these disadvantaged citizens, rather than the government, to help them out.

Government money should be spent on publicly benefitial programs only. Tax revenue is collected from those who works. Spending them on helping those not make contribution to society would not sound fair to tax payers. Besides, there are other pressing demands on the government expenditure, such as health care service and education, so addressing unemployment should have low priority.

Also, it is obvious that, to survive in this competitive world, one has to work hard and equip themselves well. If they could get free financial help from the government, they might end up with out any motivation to work at all.

Of course, this does not mean we should leave alone those who do need assistance. They are already in reverse circumstances and it would be rather difficult for them to overcome the difficulties without external support. In this case, the government ought to set up free vocational trainings or to provide interest-free bank loans for them, so that they can have the chance to get back to work. After all, it is benefitial to the society as a whole when the jobless can make contribution again.

In conclusion, my point of view is that, although the government should provide help for the disadvantaged people, direct financial support may not be a wise option and people should rely on themselves to get out of the adversity.

rather than the government's
publicly beneficial programs
Tax revenue is collected from those who works
Spending them on helping those who do not make contribution to the society
one has to work hard and equip themselveshimself well.
they might end up with out any motivation to work at all => this one doesn't sound right to me. maybe "they might end up being demotivated to work to the best of their ability" works better .

I think the last two paragraphs are better than the upper half as they have better vocab and various sentence structures.
Good luck!

Hi,
The essay has some issues; 1) you did not write about homeless people and you just focused on employment. 2) the supporting sentences were not good enough to make the discussion clear. 3) The words that you used were not strong enough and you should have used better vocabulary.

Therefore, I think it is unlikely that the essay get the band score of 7 :(((. By the way, everything depends on the examiner who review your work, he/she may like your essay. Do not think about the score, just wait and enjoy your free time now:))).

Hi bingle2012,

After reading your essay, I am confused that in the first paragraph you state "it is the responsibility of these disadvantaged citizens, rather than the government, to help them out", and in the last paragraph you start with " although the government should provide help for the disadvantaged people, direct financial support may not be a wise option"...and then "people should rely on themselves to get out of the adversity".

I understand that you want to connect this sentence "although the government should provide help for the disadvantaged people, direct financial support may not be a wise option" with the fourth paragraph, but in my opinion this sentence makes me feel like a contradiction to your stand in the first paragraph. You should put the last sentence ("people should rely on themselves to get out of the adversity") first to make it clear that it restates your view in the opening.

Keep up!