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TOEFL writing: governments should spend as much money as possible on IT?



yusukexo 2 / 3  
Oct 11, 2013   #1
I'm really happy if you give me some advice :-)

--Question
Some people think that governments should spend as much money as possible on developing or buying computer technology. Other people disagree and think that this money should be spent on more basic needs. Which one of these opinions do you agree with? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

--My essay
Every government has a definite budget and tries to use it as effectively as possible. Considering its usage, some people assert that governments should spend their budget on the development of basic needs. I definitely believe, however, that governments ought to use as much money for information technology as they can.

First and foremost, the development of technology can revitalize economy. Presently, the industry of computer technology is one of the most drastically growing field. That is, more entrepreneurs in IT field have founded their own company than in any other industry. If government invested huge amount of money, more and more companies would newly participate in this industry, which might not only produce a lot of profit but also encourage employment. This could result in the decrease of unemployment rate. Finally, people's salaries would go up and consumption would be stimulated. As the abovementioned statement clearly indicates, developing technology will be beneficial for economic growth.

Additionally, investing government's budget to computer technology industry would be beneficial for tax-payers. If a government installs new system and computers, the productivity of government sectors will be improved, which will contribute for government officers to working less time and result in the curtail of the officers. As a result, government will manage its operation by smaller budget, and various types of benefits for tax-payers, such as the reduction of tax rate or the improvement of service quality, could be created.

In summary, I certainly agree with the idea that government should invest as much budget to buy or develop computer technology. as possible.

Pahan 1 / 1824  
Oct 11, 2013   #2
Considering its usage, some people assert that governments should spend their budget on the development of basic needs.

....here you don't introduce the other side of the argument. It is important to introduce your prompt in full to your reader to convince him that this argument is worth having consideration. Then you state your position to conclude the introduction.

. I definitely believe,

... you believe what? This sounds a bit abrupt. Make a clear statement about what side you take on the argument.
OP yusukexo 2 / 3  
Oct 14, 2013   #3
I really appreciate your comment. It'll definitely help me improve my essay and a writing skill.


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