Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

IELTS Writing Task 2: Governments spending on promoting public health


anhtuan1027 1 / - 1  
Dec 23, 2017   #1
Some people think it is more important for government to spend public money on promoting healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment of people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Governments to guide people to healthy habits



In recent decades, lifestyle-caused diseases have become widespread in many countries around the world, causing public controversy. Although many governmental efforts have been made to tackle this problem, financial investments in promoting a healthy lifestyle can be viewed as an ultimate approach.

Governments can achieve many unexpected advantages in the long run by helping their citizens have a healthy lifestyle. First, it will eventually reduce substantially the average medical expenditure the governments spend on an annual basis. For example, Mexico was able to save up to one billion dollars on medical bills last year to deal with their citizens' chronic diseases by building more public gyms. Second, given the immense medical pressure local hospitals have to take, raising awareness of a good lifestyle would be an ideal solution. In fact, if people pay more attention to get rid of bad habits to the health, the need for medical attention will decrease considerably.

Another compelling reason why public spending should be used to guide people to healthy habits is how easy it is to implement with a great rate of success. First, just by offering some small financial rewards, citizens will be motivated to do physical activities that are beneficial to their body. For instance, Japanese people are required to do ten squats in order to use subway services for free, which contributes to build a greater well-being. In addition, if the governments can build more free gyms with the state of the art facilities, it will incentivize more people to embark on carb-burning activities. In fact, it has been proved successful in Malaysia with a 55% more office workers doing exercise when the governments eliminated fees in city gyms.

In conclusion, given the high efficiency and great likelihood of success, the governments should take steps to ensure their citizens having a healthy lifestyle.

SFTBNWH11 3 / 4 5  
Dec 23, 2017   #2
Dear Matthew,
I am going to highlight a few structural and meaning-related weaknesses to improve:
* " In recent decades, lifestyle-caused diseases..." --> I would use " lifestyle-related " because " Lifestyle-caused " refers to the diseases that are caused by a certain lifestyle, which is not accurate, as you should qualify the lifestyle (healthy, bad ...). I hope you got the meaning.

* " ...unexpected advantages " --> you ought to use " effective " to get the sought meaning of the argument.
* " ...it will eventually reduce substantially... " --> I did not appreciate the use of two consecutive adverbs. Not that the meaning is not clear or anything, but, it damages the structure of the sentence. Thus, I would recommend keeping " eventually " and changing the involvement of how important the reduction of medical expenditure is by saying " ...it will eventually reduce the average medical expenditure the governments spend on annual basis in major rates. "

* " Another compelling reason why public ..." --> I did not really get what you were explaining in the aforementioned sentence. Whatsoever, it had some clear structural mistakes.

Overall, your essay is good. If you keep practicing you will definitely improve.
Thank you!
Holt [Contributor] - / 8,183 2314  
Dec 24, 2017   #3
Matthew, the score for this essay is a 3. The main reason why this essay failed overall is because you did not discuss the required topic in the body of the essay. You created your own prompt question and decided to answer that. I would like you to consider the following outline in order to figure out where your mistake lies:

Discussion Instruction: To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your Discussion: ... financial investments in promoting a healthy lifestyle can be viewed as an ultimate approach.


When you separate the two discussion methods as presented in the original prompt and the opening paraphrase that you created, it is easy to see why the essay you wrote will not pass the test. Rather than discussing an extent essay, you chose to discuss methods by which a healthy lifestyle can be promoted instead. Nothing about your opening paraphrase falls under the expected discussion requirements. The topic you chose to discuss is not even part of the original prompt. Therefore, the essay cannot pass the test. It will be useless for me to point out the errors in the other sections of your essay because it makes no difference in the final outcome of your score. This essay is a failure and will not pass the main scoring considerations.


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Governments spending on promoting public health