GRE ISSUE ESSAY I TIMED MYSELF FOR 30MINS MADE LIL CORRECTIONS TO IT LIKE IT WAS A ACTUAL TEST
"Success in any realm of life comes more often from taking chances or risks than from careful and cautious planning."
Success can be defined different by many people there is no set definition about what success is. However, the core blue print of success is seen as being on top of your game professionally and financially set for life. It is true that in order to be successful today there needs to be risk and not careful planning. Many times you have only one shot to hit it big and one shot only. Truly successful people are passionate and willing to give up everything in order to achieve their dreams.
All of around the world there are people coming up with new innovations every second of the day. With careful and precise planning the greatest businessman who went to Harvard could be overpassed because of the fear not giving up everything to hit it big. Men and women who work on Wall Street do not hit it big by weighing the pros and cons. They go after what they believe in and risk it all believing the end outcome will be success.
When we look at men like Waltz Disney and Donald Trump we think one-thing successful men. Both men thought precisely about what they wanted to achieve and make of their selves. However, both men went bankrupt and never gave up taking big risk on all that they had because they were invested in their dreams. If they carefully planned everything out could they may have not went bankrupt? Yes. But there could have been the possibility of another man just as smart as them with similar ideas coming around the corner to take ahold of their ideas and hit it big. By taking the risk they took they left no room to be overpassed by anyone.
Careful planning is great. When a woman is pregnant she needs to have everything planned to make sure she has a safe and successful delivery. If things are not planned there could be altercations during her labor causing harm to herself and her baby. On the contrast, in business, music, theatre you need to take risk because there is always someone just as smart, and just as educated who can come and snatch up everything that you have been working hard for. Another example, is a businessman can wait carefully for a promotion and do all that he is expected to do for years. Within seconds a new employee who just started at the firm can take a big enough risk and be seen as amazing by all of the partners and take that mans promotion that he waited for carefully and patiently.
In ending, doing things carefully can be great and well in the end, but risk get you places that being careful could never take you. President Barack Obama may have planned out his presidency for years before running but it was taking risk in the end that got him in the white house.
I can give you some feedback on you essay.
First, there was a slight error in the first paragraph because two sentences are joined together. Ex: "There is no set definition about what success is." I think this idea should be separated to form another sentence.
In the second paragraph, the second sentence is a run-on sentence. This is a minor error. Place a comma after planning and "of" after fear in that sentence. Also, change overpassed to overlooked. Wall street can be in all lowercase letters.
The third paragraph you should state, "...we think these are successful men." You can end the next sentence with achieve. "Make of their selves" is very similar to achieve. Here is a suggestion regarding how you could revise the question: "If they carefully planned everything out, could bankruptcy been avoided?" I would delete coming around the corner. Place a comma after took and replace overpassed with overlooked.
The next paragraph you use altercations but you should use the word "complications" instead.
The last paragraph, you could use a different transition such as "In summary" or "In conclusion". When you write the summary, it should summarize the main ideas in the essay. However, the last example fits in the body of the essay and not the summary.
I didn't correct everything. I wanted to help you improve your writing. It can be difficult to write in 30 minutes. Try to practice using transitions at the beginning of paragraphs. The third paragraph you could have started with the words "For example" and the fourth paragraph "However".
thank you so much for your help. if you do not mind what would you think i would have scored on it?
- Success can be defined differentdifferently by many..
- today there needsthey need to be risk and notbe careful in planning. -
- All of around the world there..
- because of the fear and not giving up everything to hit it big.
This GRE essay that you came up with is written very well, you made sure that your ideas are clear, concise and briefly written yet packed with all there is that you want to send. I can say your message is sent well, taking risk can definitely have only two results, winning it and loosing the game. One thing is for sure, if you don't risk it, you will be left with the "what if's", and believe it or not, this will hunt you for as long as it shall.
Risking all or nothing may not be a good decision but really, what if it's the only step that can determine your future, then go ahead, roll the dice and cross your fingers while you work hard for a better future.
