Unanswered [17] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 7

[IELTS] Do guns can really increase the level of violence?


tiaDS 73 / 235 52  
Jun 15, 2014   #1
Hello friends, this prompt impresses me to write an essay. I really need your suggestion to improve my writing skill. Thanks in advance.

Some people believe that if a police force carries guns, this encourages higher level of violence in that society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

The number of criminality is increase rapidly throughout the world. Some inhabitants argue that this case appears because the guns are always used by a police to solve a criminal act. Personally, I tend to disagree with this statement, while I believe that other factors contribute a slight incline level of violence.

On the one hand, I agree that a police holds a responsibility to tackle of violence in the urban or suburban areas using a gun. An obvious example of this happens in The United State, a man killed more than ten people in the cinema using a weapon, while a police shot in the foot to paralyze him. Obviously, police officers can force a criminal to surrender, because they have a weapon which will prevent an escaping criminal who poses a serious danger to the public. As a result, some military weapons need encouraging for police officers to protect the public and minimize the rate of violence.

On the other hand, there are some reason why the level of bloody increases significantly in the communities. Firstly, the number of unemployment rate has risen to 15 percent in several globalized and non-globalized countries. Many well-qualified and well-educated person cannot earn some money to live comfortably. Secondly, cost of living in the big city is extremely expensive, so this problem impresses some people who live under the poverty line to do anything to pay their basic needs. Many baggers chose to be a pickpocket in the public transport, for instance.

In conclusion, it seems to me that the guns which are used by police have not been a trigger of higher level of violence. However, some cases occupy a crucial reason to do a criminality in society such unemployment. In my view, the main focus is decreasing a level of unemployment to avoid a criminal act.
AngelaB 7 / 14  
Jun 15, 2014   #2
The number of criminality is rapidly increasing

I agree that a police

some reasons
merve - / 4 1  
Jun 15, 2014   #3
The number of criminality is increase (*grammer* +ing= increasing rapidly throughout the world.

--->doesn't sound natural .

1.Criminality is an uncountable Noun (dictionary meaning : criminal quality of a crime/offence.- like a concept).An offence / committed crimes are countable ,therefore either of them can be used with "The number of.." instead of uncountables.

2.Rapidly is used to describe "how fast" something happens. E.g.: The stock prices increased rapidly. If you are not able to give a reference to demonstrate how fast the numbers grow but you still would like to point out the importance/significance of the growth in numbers, you may want to use words like : dramatically , significantly , vastly,considerably,greatly,substantially. I tried to rewrite the same sentence below.I hope it helps.

My suggested version is : The number of violent crimes committed has increased significantly throughout the world.
merve - / 4 1  
Jun 15, 2014   #4
Some inhabitants argue that this case appears because the guns are always used by a police to solve a criminal act.

inhabitants : wrong word choice.because it implies a group of people living in a particular area

this case appears : wrong word choice because a case can appear at a court.I think here you are trying to explain that something "occurs" depending on something.

a police : singular v plural problem.when you are generalising ,it is better to avoid "a" / "an".Besides police is considered to be plural (short form of police force).If you would like to talk about a single policeman you can use "policeman" or "police officer". The same rule goes for the criminal act when generalising.

to solve a criminal act : wrong word choice .a criminal act is an illegal action therefore it is an offence. think about if you would use the word "solve" with "an offence".They don't go together well,and don't sound natural. Police can solve criminal cases or crimes.

Here is how I would write it :

Some people argue that this is due to the use of guns by police forces to solve crimes. .
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Jul 10, 2014   #5
The number of criminality is increase rapidly throughout the world.

wrong grammar :(
The number of criminals increases rapidly throughout the world.
The number of criminals is increasing rapidly throughout the world.
The number of criminals is on the increase rapidly throughout the world.
On the one hand, I agree that a police holds a responsibility to tackle of violence in the urban or suburban areas using a gun.
Misnariah Idrus 19 / 35 4  
Jul 12, 2014   #7
Personally, I tend to disagree with this statement, while I believe that other factors contribute a slight incline level of violence.

According to Cambridge dictionary, "while" means compared with the fact that; but. So, I think you use this vocabulary in this sentence not appropriately as the second clause indicates the supporting statement for the first clause. :)


Home / Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Do guns can really increase the level of violence?