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IELTS Writing task 2 : Gyms and Sports clubs

Chanh 1 / -  
2 days ago   #1
Some employers offer their employees subsidised membership of gyms and sports clubs, believing that this will make their staff healthier and thus more effective at work. Other employers see no benefit in doing so.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Going to gyms and sports clubs is arguably essential to boost employees' health and productivity, but not all people think alike. I suppose that this has both demerits and merits.

On one hand, it's no secret that exercising is good for us both mentally and physically. When we do sports, our body will create certain kinds of hormones which can help our mind to relax; therefore, it can be a terrific way to relieve stress and refresh our mind after a nerve-racking day of work. I believe that a tired and stressed employee could not make rational decisions or work effectively. Moreover, sedentary employees might have a higher chance to face gradual health deterioration; thus, it is necessary for them to exercise on a regular basis. A wide range of diseases are also prevented if we burn some calories through working out. In so doing, not only one could tone the body but also decline the risk of obesity.

On the other hand, going to gyms and sports clubs might cost one a tremendous amount of time. The benefits that can gain through exercising are not overnight; hence, one has to be patient and persistent to derive them. In addition, these vigorous activities require a lot of energy. This could result in sore muscles and fatigue which might be a hindrance for employees to work properly.

In conclusion, working out has both advantages and disadvantages. Exercising is undisputedly good for our health, but too much of anything is bad, one should know how to do it wisely.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,876 3553  
2 days ago   #2
The first sentence is an incorrect prompt restatement. You did not make reference to employers being the source of the 2 opinions. seperate the opinion references into individual sentences and use proper word equivalents for the word " employer". Your version uses a general s source which is different from the direct soauces provided in the original.

Your discussion does not take into account the required third person business owner reasoning presentation for each point of vlew. Rather than providing a clear comparison per business sector opinions, you are using a general personal reference point. The public comparison target based on 3 points of comparison ( pro, con, personal) disappeared.
Samt Lee 1 / 3  
1 day ago   #3
I think that you need to search for some model sentences in the opening as well as the way to construct it probably. Besides, writing both consideration like this sometimes will undermine your logical thinking instead of enhance its quality, you should focus on one point of view and that would bring much more efficiency.

The third paragragh is too short and it can't serve the full requirement of the test form. I suggest you one way to express it like (1) introduction of your opinition (2) explain some reasons to support your idea (3) give some evidence or example in your daily experience.

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