To be happy, you must have the best profession or other points are crucial? IELTS WR Task 2

Some argue that the most important thing to be happy is had a decent work that they enjoy to do. Another people say otherwise, there are many other crucial points. This becomes a problem that may be debated by everyone. I really believe that so much satisfaction in this world. It depends on their way to think what is that, it cannot be measured by everything.

For some societies, their job becomes the part of their life. They may spend much time in their office. They have so many duties and it can make they extremely busy. For instance, citizens would be satisfied if they have finished their responsibility. Moreover if they feel it such as their hobby, they also would be relish comfortably. As a result, they can sense relax to working in their work place. There is no doubt that happiness in doing a job is necessary thing which can cause life to be more attractive.

In the other hand, not only the best profession but also other factors. Society want something that love them too much. Therefore, they also need quality time to meet their family, making joke together, and many more. It could give them calmness and it would affect to their future lives. When they can share satisfaction each other with their mates, it becomes to additional reason to get contentment. Finally, life is never flat and it can be more colorful. It is evident that many ways to catch something. It depends on someone who wants it.

Accordingly, I believe that although many contend that crucial thing to be enjoy the work, they have to obtain lovely profession, others trust that many manners are more vital. For all, it hinges on people's mindset.

This essay has some really great points to make but as the reader, it feels very vague. Try being more concise with your words, avoid repetition of the same word, and be specific and straight-forward. Here is an example if I were to rephrase the first paragraph:

While some individuals view their career as the most important part of being happy or successful, there are other individuals and cultures that value things like family, faith, or traveling.

Excuse me friend let me give you suggestion:
For some societies, their job becomes the part of their life (for some societies in some parts of the world , the happiness of human being depends on their jobs) .

They have so many duties and it can make they them to be extremely busy. (They are really busy due to many duties of job.)For instance, citizens would be satisfied if they have finished their responsibility. Moreover if they feel it such as their hobby, they also would be relish comfortably(it is not quite strong to support the main idea) .

There is no doubt that happiness in doing a job is necessary thing which can cause life to be more attractive.
( it shown a good idea, yet is not supported strongly by supporting idea) perhaps you can support how job can resulted stressful due to the responsiblity of job through a survey or scientific evidence.