A while ago I was watching a video of someone helping stray dogs find new homes. He tried to get every dog a good family, checking on everyone who wanted to adopt and even gave them money so that they didn't have problems raising them. It was a touching video and of course I felt bad for the dogs' conditions up to then while also happy that they found a new home. What surprised me though was just a small clip from it, in which were the families who adopted the dogs just saying hi and showing the dog wagging his tail in his new home. I didn't know why, but that was the moment I started tearing up.
It was very strange to me as it was something I had never experienced before, all that I felt was a sudden pressure on my whole body coming from my heart. All I could think was: "Why I'm I crying", as I could not understand why.
The next time it happened was when I was reading a story in which a character was staying close to a little girl in a hospital bed while recalling the little things they did together and the promise he made to her: "I will also get better, so that we can go and ride bicycles together". Feeling relieved that she was still alive.
This and a few similar instances made me realize that it was because I cherished the unconditional love that they had for each. That it didn't have anything to do with what that person had or would have, but because he accepted that person with all the flaws she had and cared so much for her that he was willing to put her before himself.
But what followed was a realization that while this is something that I'm feeling from the depths of my heart, it is in a lot of ways coming from trauma and parts of my childhood. The feelings that I didn't get then that I so much cherish now. It was also because I deep down know that it will take a lot from me to achieve that. While I may be a very curious person, I am also very selfish and self absorbed. Not caring about other people nearly as much as I should.
And I think that that is okay. It is a part of mine and while I don't necessarily love it, I have learned to cherish it. It is after all proof that I am a living person with trauma, feelings and emotions. Not just a machine living through existence doing something over and over before finally dying.
It was very strange to me as it was something I had never experienced before, all that I felt was a sudden pressure on my whole body coming from my heart. All I could think was: "Why I'm I crying", as I could not understand why.
The next time it happened was when I was reading a story in which a character was staying close to a little girl in a hospital bed while recalling the little things they did together and the promise he made to her: "I will also get better, so that we can go and ride bicycles together". Feeling relieved that she was still alive.
This and a few similar instances made me realize that it was because I cherished the unconditional love that they had for each. That it didn't have anything to do with what that person had or would have, but because he accepted that person with all the flaws she had and cared so much for her that he was willing to put her before himself.
But what followed was a realization that while this is something that I'm feeling from the depths of my heart, it is in a lot of ways coming from trauma and parts of my childhood. The feelings that I didn't get then that I so much cherish now. It was also because I deep down know that it will take a lot from me to achieve that. While I may be a very curious person, I am also very selfish and self absorbed. Not caring about other people nearly as much as I should.
And I think that that is okay. It is a part of mine and while I don't necessarily love it, I have learned to cherish it. It is after all proof that I am a living person with trauma, feelings and emotions. Not just a machine living through existence doing something over and over before finally dying.