Please help me improve my writing skills through this essay. I need to know if my writing is good enough in terms of content, style and language. I would really appreciate it if you could grade it out of 18; 9 marks for content and 9 marks for style and accuracy of language.
I would also like to know where should I include my opinion, first or last paragraph? And is it necessary that the writing should be in block form, or is indented fine? Is it important to write the article in 150-200 words long?
Thank you so much.
Health is indeed wealth!
Many people all over the world know and spell the popular saying "Health is wealth", especially mothers, who are adamant on ensuring that their children's health is treasured. However, do the children, and many teenagers as a matter of fact, understand the pristine and intrinsic significance of health today? I believe that health is the most important.
Young people should take certain measure to lead a healthy life. Firstly, they should be well-aware of the extreme vitality of their health and how precious it is for the sake of their lives. For instance, teenagers should sleep well so that the brain gets enough energy to do its work. In addition, a balanced diet and lots of water are compulsory and integral constituents of the development of their healthy life and they must take care of what they consume. Eating lots of fruits and vegetables instead of junk food is highly recommended, so they should not avoid them just because they hate them!
Moreover, cleanliness is mandatory for health maintenance, as well as physical exercise, in order to avoid diseases and decrease the chance of experiencing obesity.
Teenagers who take care of their health will certainly lead a happy life, rather than spending it in the hospital because of allowing it to deteriorate. Therefore, despite the pressure, it is definitely worth it.
Nada, you should definitely include your personal opinion at the end of the first paragraph . Indicate it at that point as the thesis statement of your essay. Then present the supporting facts and reinforce your statement at the end or last paragraph of the essay as a part of your summary. Regardless of which English test you are taking, placing the opinion at the beginning as part of the thesis statement is a must.
In my opinion, your score for this essay would be 8 for content and 7 for accuracy of style and language. The main problem with your essay is that you said that health is the most important in the thesis part, but you never referred to yourself as being the main speaker in the essay. You need to make sure that the reader knows that you are sharing your opinion throughout by using first person pronouns. There were also some mistakes in the sentence construction and idiom descriptions, which are acceptable for ESL exam takers :-) So don't worry about those.
As for the format, indented or block is fine. There are no set rules for writing the essay. The word count? As long as you are understood in the fastest and simplest way possible, you should be set. Reaching the maximum word count will be useless if you are not really improving the discussion of your essay so the word count really depends upon you.
Thank you so much for your feedback, but I'm not sure I get what you mean. What is exactly the main problem with my essay? How do I refer to myself as the main speaker? And do you mean that I should state my opinion again in the last paragraph? So I should summarize the whole essay in the last paragraph and add my opinion again to support it?
I heard that in an essay, when you are writing for and against the topic, you state your opinion in the last paragraph. You give an introduction, write the next paragraph for the topic, the one after that against the topic, and give a conclusion in the end wherein you state your opinion. Is that not true?
Any advice on how to improve the sentence construction and idiom descriptions as well as enhance my vocabulary? Thank you so much, I really appreciate it :D
Nada, let's go point by point in your essay alright. One question. One answer. I'll list those below :-)
What is exactly the main problem with my essay?
- There are number of problems with your essay that stem from an incomplete development of your thought process in the thesis statement / introduction along with the wrong sentence structure for the idiom you stated, and some grammar issues. I'll revise your essay at the end of the Q&A so you can see what I mean.
How do I refer to myself as the main speaker?
- Use the pronouns me, myself, and I when writing your opinion and discussion.
And do you mean that I should state my opinion again in the last paragraph? So I should summarize the whole essay in the last paragraph and add my opinion again to support it?
- Yes to all the questions. That is how you develop a strong essay and depict that you truly understand what it is you are writing about.
Now for the essay corrections. I'll strikeout the unnecessary parts and write the corrections in caps:
Health is indeed wealth!
Many people all over the world know and spell the popular saying "Health is wealth", e specially mothers, who are adamant on ensuring that their children's health is A treasured . However, do the IT HAS NEVER BEEN CLEAR IF THE children, and many teenagers as a matter of fact , understand the pristine and intrinsic significance of health today? . I , AS A REPRESENTATIVE OF THE YOUTH OF TODAY, believe that health is the most important TREASURE ONE CAN HAVE IN LIFE.
I AM OF THE OPINION THAT Y young people should take certain measure to lead a healthy life. Firstly, t They should be well-aware of the extreme vitality IMPORTANCE OF THE VITALITY of their health and how precious it is for the sake of their lives. For instance, teenagers should sleep well so that theIR brain gets enough energy to do its work. In addition, a balanced diet and lots of water are compulsory and integral constituents of the development of their healthy life and SO they must take care of what they consume ENSURE THAT THEY EAT HEALTHILY. Eating lots of fruits and vegetables instead of junk food is highly recommended, so they should not avoid them THE HEALTH FOODS just because they hate them DON'T LIKE ITS TASTE !
Moreover, cleanliness is mandatory for health maintenance, as well as physical exercise, in order to avoid diseases and decrease the chance of experiencing obesity.
Teenagers who take care of their health will certainly lead a happy life, rather than spending it in the hospital because of allowing it to deteriorate. Therefore, despite the pressure, I BELIEVE THAT TREASURING ONE'S HEALTH it is definitely worth it.
I believe the corrections are self explanatory :-)
Thank you so much :D One more question though, can I ask for feedback regarding a letter I wrote even if this is an essay forum?
And could you please advice me on how I could improve my sentence construction and vocabulary?
You can definitely do that :-) Although the name of the site is Essay Forum, it has sub-sections where you can post your letter for review. You can post it in the letter section for comments coming from various members and contributors. Feel free to do that anytime. We are all here to help.
Remember, you need to start a new thread for that letter in the letter section. Don't add it to this thread because your letter is different from this current discussion. I will definitely help you improve your sentence structure and vocabulary as best as I can :-)
I look forward to reading your next post. I am sure you will do well with it. You have the potential to pass your test. Your grasp of the English language is not yet at a native speaker level but it shows you have a moderate to early advanced skill in English comprehension and writing. So you just need to be guided accordingly until you take the test :-)
Thank you so, so much for your help, support and motivation. :D
