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Ielts task 2 | Health (The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems)

DinaDinh 1 / -  
Aug 12, 2017   #1
prompt: The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing.
What is the reason for the growth in overweight people in society?
How can this problem be solved?

changing bad habits may save your life

Scientific findings have clearly indicated that overweight or obesity leading to a lot of serious health problems. There are a number of reasons causing this problem and each problem needs to be dealt in a particular way.

It can be seen that the main factor of overweight is lack of exercises. Nowaday people spend too much time on working from early morning to late night and free time with friends. In addition, the increase of fast foods, junk foods and soft drink which are unhealthy foods. The busy life makes people can not cook then they use fast food to save time. However, some studies demonstrated the effect of poor sleep to overweight. Because hormones that are released during sleep control appetite and the body's use. Overweight will lead to the majority of health risks such as diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, strokes and so on.

It is important that action is taken to combat these problems. Firstly, the government has a duty to take necessary step to over come at every stages. Secondly, eating fast food as least as possible and cooking healthy diets for the family especially children. Finally, doing exercises every day to keep healthy.

In conclusion, overweight and obesity are the risk problems in recent decades. However, it can be death with changing bad habits.

TryToImprove 1 / 1  
Aug 12, 2017   #2
In my opinion, the example of your reason is not enough, maybe you can add some in your essay. On the other hand, the length of your paragraph are not equal. It can be a reason to make you lose some score.
zeal 5 / 14 8  
Aug 12, 2017   #3

In the intro paragraph, I think there is no opening sentence (which is more generalized), rather there are only tow sentences (they should be bridging sentence and thesis statement)

In the first paragraph, I think topic sentence is disappeared, and I am afraid that the last line of the first para "Overweight will lead to the majority of health risks such as diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, strokes and so on." would not appropriate because the question didn't ask about consequences of overweight.

In the second paragraph, the supporting sentences should be expanded with relevant examples. In addition, you mentioned that sleep deprivation is one of the causes of obesity, so, the solution about it should be described in the second para.

- Some grammatical mistakes are detected.
Holt [Contributor] - / 7,618 1957  
Aug 12, 2017   #4
Ngan, your essay presentation needs work. The opening paragraph does not provide an accurate outline as required for the TA scoring of your essay. The first paragraph needs to have represented, in your own words, a clear understanding of the prompt requirements. Please note the example that I will be providing below and use this as a reference for your succeeding essay works:

The number of overweight people are steadily increasing in our society. As such, there is also an increased number of people who risk developing health problems based on obesity. This essay will look at the reasons for the increasing number of overweight people as well a possible solution to this problem.

Vary the presentation of the original prompt. Use synonyms whenever possible to connote replacements for the keywords. Make sure that you fully represent an outline of the paragraph discussion that is to follow. Remember that it is always best to indicate the discussion in the outline in relation to the paragraph placement in the body of the essay.

Your paragraphs are not fully developed and do not really represent cohesive and coherent ideas. There is only a presentation of facts without explanations relating to them. That is because you have chosen to present more than one fact in the paragraph in order to support your discussion. The examiner is not looking for numerous reasons in your essay. He is looking for only one reason that you can explain in a satisfactory manner. The paragraphs you provided all failed to accomplish this task. In any given essay, one fact, supported by a full explanation is always better than tidbits of facts that do not have any supporting discussions following it.

The concluding paragraph is inadequate. It does not properly restate the discussion, summarize the salient points of reason within the body of the paragraphs, nor does it acceptably close the essay with a simple statement of conclusion. A simple, "To conclude this discussion" at the the start of the last paragraph could have easily accomplished that task, provided the accompanying content for the paragraph would have been satisfied without presenting any new information to the reader.

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