Unanswered [3] | Urgent [1] - SERVICES
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

Ielts task 2 | Health (The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems)


DinaDinh 1 / -  
Aug 12, 2017   #1
prompt: The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing.
What is the reason for the growth in overweight people in society?
How can this problem be solved?


changing bad habits may save your life



Scientific findings have clearly indicated that overweight or obesity leading to a lot of serious health problems. There are a number of reasons causing this problem and each problem needs to be dealt in a particular way.

It can be seen that the main factor of overweight is lack of exercises. Nowaday people spend too much time on working from early morning to late night and free time with friends. In addition, the increase of fast foods, junk foods and soft drink which are unhealthy foods. The busy life makes people can not cook then they use fast food to save time. However, some studies demonstrated the effect of poor sleep to overweight. Because hormones that are released during sleep control appetite and the body's use. Overweight will lead to the majority of health risks such as diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, strokes and so on.

It is important that action is taken to combat these problems. Firstly, the government has a duty to take necessary step to over come at every stages. Secondly, eating fast food as least as possible and cooking healthy diets for the family especially children. Finally, doing exercises every day to keep healthy.

In conclusion, overweight and obesity are the risk problems in recent decades. However, it can be death with changing bad habits.

TryToImprove 1 / 1  
Aug 12, 2017   #2
In my opinion, the example of your reason is not enough, maybe you can add some in your essay. On the other hand, the length of your paragraph are not equal. It can be a reason to make you lose some score.
zeal 5 / 14 8  
Aug 12, 2017   #3
@DinaDinh
hello,

In the intro paragraph, I think there is no opening sentence (which is more generalized), rather there are only tow sentences (they should be bridging sentence and thesis statement)

In the first paragraph, I think topic sentence is disappeared, and I am afraid that the last line of the first para "Overweight will lead to the majority of health risks such as diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, strokes and so on." would not appropriate because the question didn't ask about consequences of overweight.

In the second paragraph, the supporting sentences should be expanded with relevant examples. In addition, you mentioned that sleep deprivation is one of the causes of obesity, so, the solution about it should be described in the second para.

- Some grammatical mistakes are detected.


Home / Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2 | Health (The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems)