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IELTS TASK 2: increasing number of people are suffering from health problems


Anfalia 40 / 57 23  
Feb 21, 2015   #1
In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for governments to impose a higher tax on this kind of food.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?


Fast food menus are tricky when you are watching your weight or your health. For this reason, the majority of countries are experiencing health problem owing to eating much fast food. While rising tax of fast food addresses merits and demerits for the development of country, I am personally convinced that government do not need to rise in fast food tax due to introducing a lower economic development; however, people should balance to consume this food with regular exercise.

[...]

TJLuschen - / 252 200  
Feb 21, 2015   #2
Hi, your essay was a little confusing to me. Some of your body paragraphs seemed to go against your thesis and I had a hard time figuring out exactly what your views on the topic were. Maybe if you gave some more specific examples it would have made things more clear. Also make sure you know the difference between rise and raise.

Fast food menus are tricky [to navigate] {it was ok, but adding this makes it better} when you are watching your weight or your health. For this reason, the majority of countries are experiencing health problem[s ] owing to [the] eating [of too] much fast food. While rising tax of [raising taxes on] fast food addresses [holds] merits and demerits for the development of country, I am personally convinced that government do[es] not need{"not need to " does not really work with your reason - you need something like "the government should not" or "it would not be wise to"} to [impose special] rise in fast food tax[es] due to introducing a lower economic development; however, people should [be encouraged to] {this makes it more like something the government should do instead of raising taxes} balance to consum[ing] this food with regular exercise.

Fast food companies should be additionally taxed by government due to poor nutrition which all regions overabundance of these outlets. {this last phrase is very odd and incorrect. Also, this sentence basically contradicts your thesis statement that you just gave above - maybe modify your thesis?} [A recent] Research study examines that [the] Deputy of Russia has already increased the tax of [on] fast food in this country-such as Burger King, McDonald's, and KFC- from 20 percent to 23 percent[, ] which reduce[d ] customer demand and contribute[d to] in the international budget. {what do you mean by "international budget"?} As a result, the development of a more health[ier] population includes the money for health services and the promotion of a healthy lifestyle.

Conversely, it is believed that a country will suffer from the [a reduced growth] rate of [the] economy when government rises in higher [raises] tax o[n ] fast food. [A ]Research finding in United States shows that fast food purchases were independent predictors of increases in the average body mass index (BMI) in wealthy nations from 1999 to 2008. Unless government increases fast food tax, it addresses [faces] declining [health of] fast food consumers, and this phenomenon results in loss of revenue that the country acquires [from all areas of industry, due to increased worker absenteeism and higher health care costs] {your version didn't really make sense to me} from food industry. In consequence, [a ]rise in [the] tax o[n ] fast food affects to the economic development of country [in a positive way].

In conclusion, people nowadays [who] live in develop[ed] area[s ] see[m to find it difficult to prevent] to be hard in terms of prevention fast food consumption, moreover for some entrepreneurs who have rustle bustle time. {"rustle bustle" is incorrect} While rise in fast food tax [raising fast food taxes] is more [than] likely to be [a ]difficult task for government due to impact of global economy,{why is this true? what does the global economy have to do with this?} some individualist {"individualist" is wrong here] should balance their eating diet of fast food with the amount of regular exercise-such as jogging, gymnastic[s ], and cycling-that they are supposed to do. Where possible, government should promote [a ]healthy lifestyle to societies to prevent suffering from illness.
OP Anfalia 40 / 57 23  
Feb 21, 2015   #3
Thank you so much. It really helps me. I think I should rewrite this essay. Thanks for your suggestion.


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