A healthy lifestyle or dependence on doctors and medicines? Writing task 2 IELTS

These days, too many people maintain their health by relying doctors and medicines, rather than following a healthy lifestyle.
to what extent do you agree with the statement ?

be your own doctor

In the cutting-edge era, most people deem that it is better for themselves to maintain their healthy condition by implementing a healthy lifestyle than consulting with their doctors or consuming certain medicines. I hold an opinion that keeping fit needs a collaboration between medicine consumption and doctor's advice.

It is undeniable that medical practitioners have a pivotal role for maintaining health in society. Albeit people could manage healthy by themselves, the advent of doctors is still important to give health supports for the patients. In fact, every single patient has certain unique conditions in which they have to consider an appropriate method of healthy lifestyle to be implemented. For instance, it could be harmful when someone who suffers anemia limiting red meats consumptions due to healthy lifestyle. The lifestyle instead deteriorates their body resulting in detrimental effects because of lack of irons and minerals. Irons is essential for human body especially for anemic people. Consulting a proper lifestyle first with a doctor will be paramount so that the people could know what a suitable diet instead of decreasing the amount of irons nutrients

On the other hand, even though a healthy lifestyle could encourage people to be fit, the advent of non-essential vitamin, minerals, and other medicines is imperative for supporting health condition. Not all of healthy foods and beverages has a wide range of nutritions, instead the supplements could make a daily intake in balance way. it is known that a few vegetables contains vitamin B, furthermore, the people could consumpt the vitamin from other sources to meet a daily requirements. Consequently, a healthy lifestyle could be achieved optimally.

In conclusion, it seems plausible that the people do not solely rely a healthy lifestyle to maintain their body to become health. The medical advice advice is still important to be considered for achieving a appropriate lifestyle owing to fact that each person has different means of healthy lifestyle. Moreover, consumpting supplements such as vitamins and minerals is indispensable dealing with shortage of nutrition

Albeit people could manage healthy by themselves,
Though people could manage their own health,

the advent of doctors is still important ...
the existence of doctors is still essential to provide health support to the patients.

In fact, every single patient has certain unique ...
in fact, the implementing of appropriate healthy lifestyle program have to be considered due to the uniqueness of each patient.

Reza, was the topic prompt that you provided complete? I mean, did you cut and paste the actual instructions or did you post a shortened version of the prompt when you submitted your essay for review? The reason that I ask is because the discussion that you followed for the essay does not meet the stated requirements of the prompt. You did a comparison essay when you should have been writing a one sided, opinion essay in response to the prompt. That is why I am not so sure that the prompt requirement that you submitted is complete. More so, that is also the reason why I feel confused by the way that you wrote your response. There are a number of aspects, such as the comparison between a healthy lifestyle compared to doctors and medicine that leave me questioning the validity of your prompt. As such, the essay that you wrote does not successfully represent a persuasive essay, which is the type of essay that you were expected to provide based upon the prompt requirements. If these are the actual prompt requirements that is. Please post the original prompt. Cut and paste it into the response window to satisfy my curiosity. I want to make sure that I give you the most accurate review of your essay based upon the prompt requirements. Thanks.

@rozhnaz
Hi ! you have an amazing idea but also have problems.Firstly,t is undeniable that medical practitioners have a pivotal role for maintaining health in society. Albeit people could manage healthy by themselves, the advent of doctors is still important to give health supports for the patients. In fact, every single patient has certain unique conditions in which they have to consider an appropriate method of a healthy lifestyle to be implemented. For instance, it could be harmful when someone who suffers anemia limiting red meats consumptions due to a healthy lifestyle. The lifestyle instead deteriorates their body resulting in detrimental effects because of lack of irons and minerals. Irons is essential for human body, especially for anemic people. Consulting a proper lifestyle first with a doctor will be paramount so that the people could know what a suitable diet instead of decreasing a number of irons nutrients .i did correct for you so try another best work

Hi
I would like give you suggestions for your essay

It is known that a few vegetables contains (contain) vitamin B, furthermore, the people could consumpt (consume) the vitamin from other sources to meet a daily requirements (daily requirements).

The singular verb contains does not appear to agree with the plural subject a few vegetables. Consider changing the verb form for subject-verb agreement.

The word consumpt is not in our dictionary. If you're sure this spelling is correct, you can add it to your personal dictionary to prevent future alerts.

The indefinite article a may not be required with the plural noun requirements in this sentence. Consider removing the article, or changing the noun to singular.

Thank you

For instance, it could be harmful when someone who ...
In my opinion the idea of this sentence is not correct, because cutting back on red meat could not be harmful.whereas, there are great substitute for red meat such as lentil and beans.

... not solely rely a healthy lifestyle to maintain ...
rely on .......to maintain their body healthy and fit.