Healthy lifestyle and state budget. IELST writing task 2 - update question 25 June 2016

Question:
Some people think it is more important for government to spend public money on promoting healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment of people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some societies assume that it is more crucial for government to pay out state finance on promoting wholesome lifestyle in consideration to hinder disease rather than to expend it on the people's medication who are already sick. I somewhat disagree with the statement above, because in my point of view using money for both promoting healthful lifestyle and funding community treatment are equally imperative for government.

I think allocating budget to promote healthy lifestyle to obstruct sickness in society is vital for government, because public health is a government's responsibility. By doing socialization about wholesome lifestyle will certainly impact to decrease the number of sick men, as the result it will drop the state budget for funding the medical cost. Moreover, held such program does not need money as much as funding cure of societies, because to promote the healthful lifestyle can be done by many ways, for instance by education, advertisment and also media such as by newspaper, television, radio or articles in the internet.

I realize better prevent than cure, but it does not mean that government does not provide budget to help funding the hospital cost especially for people with a low income. Furthermore nowadays hospital bill is being more expensive, as the result we often find news that reporting the poor man died because of suffering some disease but unfortunately he can not access the hospital services because he does not have enough money. Therefore, i feel strongly that it is also important for government to use the state's budget for medication which it may be by creating program like health insurance subsidies in the society.

In conclusion, i am convinced that using budget on promoting healthy lifestyle to impede the illness in the society by government will always necessary, likewise on funding the bill of patient treatments particularly for people from poor background.

I would be grateful for your evaluation concerning my essay.

Hi Prisca, welcome to the team :) I would like to help you in evaluating your essay. I have noticed that you have a difficulty in paraphrasing the question. Using synonyms are okay, but if you carelessly using them, it will possibly lead to inaccuracies, inappropriateness, or even different meaning. This is dangerous if you keep doing this in the next practice or even in the real IELTS test. It can not only lower your score in vocabulary, but also for task response, and coherence.

Here's some valuable tips regarding to synonyms that I got from ielts advantage:

- You need to be 100% sure the word that you are going to change has the same meaning.
- If you change that particular word, do not forget that the grammar must also be correct.
- You have to be more careful with the keywords from the question or the prompt.
- If you can not think about any synonyms, try to define the word briefly by using your own word.
- If you are in doubt, never try to change it. It is still better to repeat the words and be correct rather than force a synonym and be wrong.

Let me give you an alternative option for your first sentence of your introduction:

Question:
- Some people think it is more important for government to spend public money on promoting healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment of people who are already ill.

Paraphrase:
- It is argued that the government public money is more essential to be spent on promoting healthy lifestyle due to illness prevention than treating sick people.

As seen, you can possibly alter the structure rather than only use some synonyms like what you've done. I hope you find my feedback is helpful. Good luck for the next practice :)

Hi Prisca, when I was reading your essay, I must say, I got a bit confused, confused of the fact that, I don't really understand the sentences tha made up the essay. What I'm trying to say is, you have the idea in your head, however, you are having a hard time expressing yourself in this language. This is very normal to us who are not native English speakers and are not so familiar with the use of the language on a daily basis.

Now, the fact that you were able to come up with a full essay to answer the prompt, only goes to show that you are willing to learn the language and hone a craft in writing, this may not be the field you want to pursue later on in life, but it's always good to know a little bit of everything.

Furthermore, with the much needed modification on your essay, I would also like to point out that you have to practice the language in order to carry it through the essay and other writing projects to follow.

I hope this insights help you re-visit your essay and proof read it yourself to get a first hand review of your essay.