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Help proofread on a section of my Toefl essay "teachers should attend courses every 5 years."


natasha_139 5 / 4 2  
Jun 6, 2016   #1
I wrote a short paragraph for the topic "A/D: All school teachers should be required to attend courses every 5 years to update their knowledge."

I was not sure if I got my point crossed so please help me proofread this. Thank you!!! I side with that "teachers should attend courses every 5 years."

"Primarily, taking courses regularly allows teachers to update their academic knowledge. Being teachers is special as their mission is to impart what's known in a certain field to students. They serve as the first person students turn to when encountering anything puzzled. In most cases they are capable of giving satisfactory answers with the help of their experience and knowledge base. However, there are also some situations where they are challenged. Just as the saying goes, "what we know is not much, but what we know is immense." Everyday sees new discoveries and theories. Therefore, it is critical for teachers to keep up-to-date on new research, emerging technology tools for the classroom, new curriculum resources and the like. For example, with gravitational waves detected, there is no doubt it may cause great changes to Physics syllabus. The instant success of Facebook definitely makes a good business case study. Observations sent from Mars would cast light on astronomy."

Nahid87 12 / 17 7  
Jun 6, 2016   #2
Welcome Natasha;

... their mission is to impart what's they known in a certain field to students. They serve as the first person, students turn to ...
In most cases, they are capable of giving ...

... there is no doubt it may causes great changes to Physics syllabus.

well done Natasha, good luck;)
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Jun 7, 2016   #3
Natasha, welcome to the EF team! I hope you can gain fruitful feedback in order to improve your writing skill, especially in TOEFL writing. You are suggested to give your feedback towards other members' essays in this forum. By doing this (peer-corrections), you will also enhance your writing skill significantly.

Frankly, I am not an expert of TOEFL. I have never created any TOEFL essays yet. However, I hope my IELTS writing skill will be helpful to help you perfecting this essay. I am sorry to say that even just a short essay, the organization of ideas were still a bit messy and jumpy. I have a suggestion for you about what should you write in a (body/main) paragraph in agree-disagree essay.

- Topic sentence (the main idea about your stance/whether agree or disagree)
- Explanation of topic sentence (additional explanation why did you choose that idea)
- Example (example to support your ideas)
- Concession (limitation of your ideas)

As seen, 4 or 5 sentences in a paragraph would be enough in a body paragraph. Hope this helps :)
OP natasha_139 5 / 4 2  
Jun 7, 2016   #4
Concession

Thank you so much, ichanpants89.
By "the organization of ideas were still a bit messy and jumpy", would you mind if you give me more details? Like for which message I haven't conveyed clearly? Sorry that I myself couldn't find that messy and jumpy part after several reading. In terms of difference between TOEFL and IELTS writing, TOEFL maybe tend to be more informal in language use and focus more on reasoning. Also, TOEFL requires a 300 minimum essay.
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Jun 7, 2016   #5
If it is necessary to compose 300 words minimum for each essay, why don't you upload the complete one? So that I can read it completely. Somehow, incomplete essay might lead to ambiguity and false perception. However, if you ask for the detailed descriptions, let me show you below:

- Primarily, taking courses regularly allows teachers to update their academic knowledge. (I assume that this is a topic sentence)
- Being teachers is special as their mission is to impart what's known in a certain field to students. (previously u've talked about 'taking courses regularly' then you give another idea by saying that 'being teacher is special'. I think you need to explain why/how can taking courses regularly can help teachers to update their academic knowledge)

- They serve as the first person students turn to when encountering anything puzzled. (another jumpy idea, it is better to give example first, rather than giving a new idea)

- In most cases they are capable of giving satisfactory answers with the help of their experience and knowledge base. (example)
- However, there are also some situations where they are challenged.
- Just as the saying goes, "what we know is not much, but what we know is immense." Everyday sees new discoveries and theories. (i am not really sure that this quote is necessary)

- Therefore, it is critical for teachers to keep up-to-date on new research, emerging technology tools for the classroom, new curriculum resources and the like. (perhaps the proper cohesive device is 'as a result'. 'Therefore' is usually in the last part)

- For example, with gravitational waves detected, there is no doubt it may cause great changes to Physics syllabus. (example)
- The instant success of Facebook definitely makes a good business case study. (if you rethink again, what is the correlation between Facebook success and taking course regularly? it was too far, even for an example. Just be careful, off-topic essay is also dangerous towards your final grade)

- Observations sent from Mars would cast light on astronomy. (it is also not suggested to end up a paragraph with a hanging example like this)

Hope this helps and looks clearer for you.

Cheers :)
OP natasha_139 5 / 4 2  
Jun 9, 2016   #6
Thank you so much, ichanpants89. I would make some changes based on your suggestions which are very helpful.
able_Person 5 / 9 5  
Jun 10, 2016   #7
Hi, natasha_139. I did a little re-write of your essay. I hope it will help you!

Primarily, taking courses regularly allows teachers to update their academic knowledge.
Here, I introduced a specific example to support the idea.
For example, several ideas do not even exist 10 years ago like App development, social media management, cloud computing service and so on and so forth. As a result, teachers also have to take specialized courses to enhance their understanding of these new ideas and technologies. So that they can give students satisfactory answers when they feel confused.

Here I put up with another example to further support your primary idea.
Plus, not only will teachers learn new knowledge from these training programs but also they will get a good chance to communicate with their colleagues about teaching skills, which play a big role in school education as well.
OP natasha_139 5 / 4 2  
Jun 12, 2016   #8
@able_Person Thanks a lot for your suggestions!


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