Toefl Essay: House or a business. Which would you choose to buy?

Hi , I have recently joined thi forum and i am posting my first essay here . Could you please read and rate it and suggest me improvement to make it better.

Topic : You have enough money to purchase either a house or a business. Which
would you choose to buy? Give specific reasons to explain your choice.

If a person is having enough money then to invest it in business or buy a house from it
depends on his priority and needs.If someone is not having his own house and he has to settle down with family
then his priority will be to buy a home first.Or if anyone who is very ambitious and wants to earn money then
probably he will invest that money in business.If I would be there then i will choose an option to buy a home from it.

As in my opinion buying a home adds to our fixed asset which will be with us forever.

If we consider to establish a business then it involves many things. Firstly,we have to do
market ananlysis to decide which kind of business to initiate. It is always better to have some entrepreneur's
opinion on the current market demand and supply.While buying a house also involves searching of well established
and trustworthy builder who can provide us a good deal.

Any business venture at initial stage requires a lot of investment to establish its office , to
buy raw material,then to provide man power and machinery etc. While buying a house does not need anything other than money.
In business once get established it needs adverstising of its products , its branding.

Also , after doing all this ,there is a big risk factor remains.What if the product is not sold? Business will
go in loss and debt.Buying house does not involve that much risk as even if the price of the land or house is not increased over years

we can sell that property any time.

Thus all in all , in my opinion if someone who does not want to take any risk and be on safer investment ,
investing his money in property is always a better option than staring a business.

Thanks.

Hi Thanh Mai

Thank you for reviewing my essay.
I would surely consider your suggestions and try to implement it.

Thanks!!!
Sam

The comma in this sentence shows diversities between a sub clause and a main clause


Incomplete sentence.


Buying a house/ houses

Read as many English authentic texts/sample writings as you can to improve your writing skills. Reading texts not only gives you some new ideas about different topics, but it also improves your vocab and grammar

First, you need to present your essay in a more tidy manner. This is pretty difficult to read as your sentences are scattered all over. If your essay looks more presentable, they you would earn more feedbacks as well.

I can see you write very well. However, you need to have your paragraphs clearly separated. You need to have an introduction, body paragraphs (at least two) and a conclusion if you aim to earn a good score for this task. Introduce the topic and then state your opinion on the issue in the intro. Then give one reason per body para to justify your opinion. Don't forget to include a specific example to support the reason too. Have at least two such body paras and then write a conclusion by summing up what you said previously and reinstating your opinion.