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When a huge factory is built, the job demand is high, and it attracts thousand persons to move there


Keng 39 / 134  
Sep 16, 2009   #1
Toefl Essay Building a large factory near your community

Why my previous thread of this topic has been deleted; hence, i will submit my essay again. I do not break the rule of the essayforum.

An question essay is a company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and the disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position.

To my view, building a large factory is beneficial for a company in terms of investment. Although a big factory beside the community contributes huge economic benefits, I prefer not to have it built. It has some environmental setbacks to be concerned about.

First, people are by more employment and more levies are used to develop the community. When a huge factory is built, the job demand is so high that it attracts thousand persons who live in neighboring areas to move in a new house to get a better living standard, therefore, people can live a happy and comfortable life. Moreover, the government can collect more tax from the factory in order to improve the community by creating infrastructure such as electricity and road, leading to the community sprawl in the end.

Second, people cannot avoid pollution threats which result in health concerns. Long after the establishment of a big factory, citizens are affected by bad pollution from air, water and noise. To be specific, the temperature is too hot for the citizens to live because the factory throws out hazardous substances such as CFC and carbon; water is contaminated by released dirty materials and noise is able to disturb daily activities. Therefore, people who live near the factory have serious diseases like headache, stomachache and respiratory ailments.

Finally, I do not want a large factory close to my community due to bad pollution problems. If the factory is allowed to be built in my hometown, I will be unavoidably affected by air and noise. I cannot lead a happy life provided I have to smell odors released by the factory everyday while going for a walk around the community. I also cannot follow my daily schedule owing to harsh noise. I am not able to read a book, do homework, and even take my dog for a walk in the morning.

In conclusion, despite the fact that building a large factory is agreeable to other people who want to make progress in their career, I do dissent from that because there are negative factors concerning and environment and health issues which will be debated in the future.

Could anyone check my essay. Thank you

EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Sep 16, 2009   #2
You have the elements of a good essay here, but the organization is rough. Try, when writing a TOEFL essay, to clearly state your thesis in the introductory paragraph and in the concluding paragraph. I see that you do state your thesis in the conclusion, but not in the introduction. My guess is that you made up the thesis as you went along. That's fine, but then you have to go back and alter the introduction to include the thesis that evolved as you wrote.

Your grammar is generally good, but you have to watch out for verb tense. In the passage where you imagine a factory being built in your neighborhood, you slip from imagined future tense into present tense.
Jin 11 / 37  
Sep 16, 2009   #3
To my view (or to my thinking? Not sure ~), building a large factory is beneficial for a company in terms of investment. Although a big factory beside the community contributes huge( huge is always used to describe the numbers I think, here a lot is more suitable) economic benefits, I prefer not to have it built. It has some environmental setbacks (that should) to be concerned about.

First, ( I don't recommend you to use first, second, third...etc, they look not so fluent in essay, just start with the reasons themselves) people are by more employment and more levies are used to develop the community. ( what do you mean by this sentence? There seems exist grammar problems, confusing~)When a huge factory is built, the job demand is so high (how can you be so sure about the high demand of jobs?) that it (will) attracts thousand (? The accurate number? How can you get this number? Or do you mean thousands of people ) persons who live in neighboring (neighbour,I think) areas to move in a new house to get a better living standard (living standard should not be measured by people moving into a new house, it contains adequate factors), therefore, people can live a happy and comfortable life.(the adj. are too simple, maybe can try people get the easier access to a high-level and cheerful life) Moreover (here should be so or thus), the government can collect more tax from the factory in order to improve the community by creating infrastructure such as electricity and road, leading to the community sprawl(is the word negative or positive?) in the end. (I don't think only one factory can contribute the enough taxes needed to enlarging the scale of a city.)

Do you agree with it?

maybe it is some misunderstanding in my mind, if so, just forget them,haa~~~

Anyway, hope they can help you something!
OP Keng 39 / 134  
Sep 17, 2009   #4
Thank you. I will try another draft with a good organization and supporting details.
thinhtvdhtm 41 / 97  
Sep 17, 2009   #5
when i read the introduction, i can guest what is going on in the next parts.you should say in this part:there are advantages and disadvantages of building...however i believe that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks (or somethings like that) which will be approved by analyses below.

oh, nearly forget to say that when u say somethings not sure, u should use:can, may...not use present simple tense
thinhtvdhtm 41 / 97  
Sep 18, 2009   #6
i think that you repeat pollution issue. in the second reason u refer to this problem, however in the next paragraph u talk again.


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