Humans and Music - IELTS WRITING TASK 2

PLEASE GIVE DETAILED COMMENTS ON MY IELTS WRITING.
I have only 10 days left for preparation. All your help would be really useful to me. Thank you!

Why do we need music?

Prompt: There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional usic of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

Response: (272 words)

Humans first approached music million years ago, and since then, multifarious genres of music have been created to satisfy the audience. Personally speaking, music is an inevitable part of our society for various reasons, and traditionally inherited music of each nation should be valued the same as the worldwide type of music.

There is a spectrum of explanations behind the natural desire for music of humans. It is scientifically proven that music helps improve mental health, working and study performances. For example, students who listen to Baroque are reported to receive remarkably better grades than students who solely work with numbers and letters. Moreover, people can express themselves freely through music. Clearly, rhythms, tones and melodies convey meanings and entice people more easily compared to words. Finally, the world could not be as close-knit as it is today without music bringing together people from different walks of life.

It is controversial whether traditional music of a country or international music is more significant in every day's activities. While traditional music belongs to cultural heritage and well represents a country's history and customs, international music, though seems catchier to ears, is often a kind of commercial product produced by entertainment companies exclusively aiming for profits. Additionally, international music is said to make young generations forget about their national identity, thus, poses unexpected threats to the conservation of each nation's peculiarity. However, merely sticking to traditional music definitely restrains learning from the developing world while international music help listeners to assimilate into the modern society and become a global citizen. Therefore, people should respect both kinds of music and make efforts to better them.

I think its well written, you have a good flow, did not find any major grammatical issues. I however encourage you to add more arguments in the third paragraph for both international and traditional music. You do defend traditional music well, but there is just one sentence for international music, like there would be more options, or not everyone likes a single kind of music, more instruments to explore, etc. However, my approach would be taking one side and defending it although balancing the essay with a support for the other.

And good luck on your IELTS!

Tran, your presentation, though fulfilling the word requirement, does not meet the minimum paragraph presentation. That is why your discussion comes across as weak and under developed. You could have discussed this essay as a 5 paragraph direct question response essay based on the following format:

1. Prompt paraphrase
2. Expanded explanation for "Why do we need music?"
3. The writer's POV regarding the importance of traditional music
4. Reasoning paragraph pertaining to whether international music is more important than traditional music.
5. Concluding summary of the 3 reasoning paragraphs starting at paragraph 2.

You should also have given a clear response to the direct questions in your opening paraphrase. For example, I would have said:

Our airwaves are filled with the representation of international music. This is a notable development in the evolution of a culture and society because music represents the development of a global understanding of one another. That is why, even though the native melodies have an important role to play in music, world music also has its benefits for its listeners.

Please note how my opening paraphrase basically also set out the discussion points, per paragraph for the essay (as I would have written it). The reasoning paragraphs would have been composed of:

1. A discussion regarding the need for music
2. The importance of traditional music
3. How international music provides benefits to its listeners

These 3 discussion points would have created a highly developed discussion paragraph per topic and increased my overall chances at a higher score.