TOEFL-iBT Giving money as praise for children's high marks, good or bad?

Topic: Whether parents should give money to praise their child for high marks, you agree or disagree parents should give school-age children money for get a high mark(grade) they get in the school.

Answer:

Every parent always want their children succeed in their life; however, parents have to let their children succeed in school first. In order to let children focus on their study, parents have to use thousand ways to achieve it. But I'm so wondering that is money a good and effective way?

First, I think give money to praise children for high marks will let children focus on money too much. When I was a substitute teacher in elementary school, I saw a boy didn't want to do anything unless he can get some money from their parents or teacher. According that experience, I'm well aware of that money can't make a child good, but it can make a child addict in money at all. From then on, I began to remind parents as I can that not to take money for a tool of praise, otherwise children will take these money for granted.

For all that, I think children still need to get something they really want after excellent performance in school, but not money. Every children want to get some praises form their parents or teachers who are important in their mind. Even adults want to get their boss' praises about their work. Besides, praises can make children more self-confidence. I believe children who are more self-confidence will make more success not only in school, but also in their life.

To sum up, using money to praise children for their high marks is worse than better. Parents should be smart to use some appropriate words as praises to encourage children to focus on pursue their own succeed.

I think this essay is too brief. It sounds more like a summary of the original essay. Put some more example and use transition words. The last sentence of your first paragraph should also be in your conclusion.

Parents always want their children succeed in their life. However, they have to motive these children to do well in school but not with money. In order to let children focus on their studies, parents should use other constructive means but not money.

First, I think giving money to praise children for high marks will distract them from the purpose of learning . For example, when I was a substitute teacher in elementary school, I saw a boy who will not to do anything unless he gets some money from his parents or teacher. With my experience, it became clear to me that money as an incentive can't make a child productive rather,they become less constructive.

More so / Furthermore, I think children still need to get something they really want after excellent performance in school, but not money. Every children want to get some praises form their parents or teachers who are important in their mind. Even adults want to get their boss' praises about their work. Besides, praises can make children more self-confidence. I believe children who are more self-confidence will make more success not only in school, but also in their life.

In conclusion/finally, using money to praise children for their high marks is worse than better. Parents should be smart to use some appropriate words as praises to encourage children to focus on pursue their own succeed.

Here is a quick lesson about singular and plural. It's easy.
Every parent always wants...
All parents want...
One parent wants...
More than one parent want...
Use an s if there is only one.
He wants his children to....
They want their children to...
We want out children to ...
It wants its children to...
All parents want their children to succeed in their lives; however, parents have to let their children succeed in school first.---I agree!