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IEITS-It is better for people to be unemployed than people to be employed but they are not happy.


Wilsonank 1 / 3 1  
Nov 30, 2014   #1
Hi, I am an undergraduate from China, I'm about to take an IEITS test, and i've been doing my writing exercise for weeks. I'm looking for help to correct my writing, and i find this forum. This is my first thread, I hope my work is not too bad. : )

It is better for people to be unemployed than people to be employed but they are not happy. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

People nowadays pay much more attention to their inner satisfaction. Some contend that they would rather give up their job than be employed if they cannot get the pleasure from the job. From my perspective, I disagree with the idea that put off their job just because they are not happy.

Getting a job is not only necessary for our economy operates functionally as a whole, but also as a key economical resource for us to keep living in this society. Without a job, one can hardly meet the basic needs for his or her daily life because of lacking money, let alone to talk about whether is happy or not. Surely, it is depressive and awful to engage in an occupation that makes us feel repelled. However, we could have a constructive conversation with our boss about shifting to another apartment or advise that would help to build a new culture which we consider better. In fact, sometimes the unpleasant and desperate atmosphere we feel is a mirror to ourselves. Trying to get well known of our colleagues, having amusements with those people who you spend most of the time with, then, after bracing the environment and looking at it in a positive way, we can eliminate most of our complaints.

Meanwhile, the argument that quit the job which they are complaining about will solve the problem is totally neglected the long-term consequences it would generate. If we do not fill our time with our jobs, then there are plenty of time at hand. It is intending to waste our time for most of us who do not have a clear plan before we decide to get out of our jobs. While our colleagues are endeavoring with their passion and energy, looking forward to a bright future, we are more likely to surrounded by empty and loneliness which would lead to more problems.

To conclude, it is not a wise choice to be unemployed even the job is not the exactly kind we want. At least, we cannot survive without a job.
Rogerb - / 4 2  
Nov 30, 2014   #2
It is better for people to be unemployed than people to be employed but they are not happy. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Are people now paying more attention to their inner individual job satisfaction? Some people contend that they would rather give up their job than be employed if they cannot get pleasure from the job. From my perspective, I disagree with the idea that individuals prefer unemployment just because they have very little job satisfaction

As an individual, working is necessary for economy survival and as a functioning member of society.. Without a job, one can hardly meet the basic needs for his or her daily life because of lacking money, it can be depressing to work at a job that does not provide any satisfaction, so do we have any options?, We could have a constructive conversation with our boss about transferring to another department or request to be given more job responsibilities which would provide the opportunity to develop additional job skills. Trying to get well known by our colleagues and establishing social contacts within the company is also a method of increasing job related satisfaction. .

Meanwhile, the argument that quitting a job will solve the problem is totally neglects the long-term consequences it would generate., If we are not employed then what useful things can we achieve with our free time? Time has a great value and while we are wasting our time other people are using their time wisely and moving forward while. Perhaps this is not your dream job but your attitude at work plays an important role in your productivity and job performance. A positive attitude is necessary for your success at work, while a negative attitude is counter-productive. Therefore, if you do not have a positive attitude towards work, you may want to consider an attitude change in order to improve your work experience. Accept the fact that certain tasks associated with your job may be less fulfilling than others and recognize that a lack of motivation does not mean that you cannot complete your tasks. Rather, it means that you would prefer not to.To conclude, it is not a wise choice to be unemployed even the job is not the exactly kind we want. At least, we cannot survive without a job.

To Wilsonank.I hope your don't mind but I have taken the liberty of vetting you essay. I recommend that you remove what is bolded in red and replace it with what is shown in yellow. When we write its best to keep it simple and more to the point,
OP Wilsonank 1 / 3 1  
Dec 1, 2014   #3
Thank you!!!
I don't know if it is the forum itself doesn't work, my browser (IE or Chrome) didn't show any color in your post,

anyway, thanks a lot again!!!
fadlanmuzakki 15 / 49 36  
Dec 1, 2014   #4
Hi Wilsonank, there are several suggestions and (maybe) correction for your essay :

1. I think it is better when you start your first paragraph with background or hook in the first sentence of your first paragraph, it can make your essay becoming more interesting.

You probably can re-write your first paragraph like this :
(this is just example, I try to make it to share how I write the first paragraph)

In this age of globalization, unemployment is the hottest phenomenon throughout the world. It leads people to have different perspectives about the issue. One of those is that some people, who could not get happiness in their job, prefer to become unemployed people. While it is reasonable if I seeing this case with the perspective of happiness, I tend to be convinced that idleness would produce more detrimental effects because there are other considerations to catch a job rather than to become happy.

2. Your conclusion is too short, I am afraid you cannot get 6.5 or higher if you use this pattern.

KEEP SPIRIT, KEEP STUDY. do not give up to throw in the towel. :)
Rogerb - / 4 2  
Dec 1, 2014   #5
Hi Wilson
When I tried to load the revision on this server the colors did not show so I revised your writing showing only the recommended
changes. I recommend that you focus your writing and simplify your sentences because its easer to get you meaning across to your reader. If you are doing an IELTS you will be require to do two writing assignments, one being an essay topic (like this) and the

other a presentation of technical information of about 250 words, if I remember correctly. I have a lot of experience with the IELTS exams, if I can help let me know on Skype.
OP Wilsonank 1 / 3 1  
Dec 2, 2014   #6
To Fadlan:
Thank you for your help~
Given that my English level is limited, I can't help you though i really want to.
Sorry~

To Roger:
Thanks for your kindness~
Shaimaa 2 / 6 1  
Dec 3, 2014   #7
It is not bad as a first attempt..
Try to rewrite the third paragraph,it is not clear enough.


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