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IELTS Some people think that government should provide unemployed people with a free cell


agi 13 / 30 4  
Feb 11, 2014   #1
Being unemployed for your people would be the most tragic phenomena. There has been strong argument for government on the issue of way of supporting jobless people to find a job. I partly agree with the viewpoint of free access of cellphone and internet backed by state budget to eliminate a unemployment. In this essay, I will discuss this issue from both sides of view and present my personal opinion.

On the one hand, most job vacancy could be found in websites. In the wake of growing number of user of internet and member of social network, many job agency put their job advertisements on the websites rather than publishing in the newspapers or journals. However, payment to get access of Internet makes jobless people desperate and hopeless because they could not pay for it. Therefore, some government officials are initiating the policy of installing wi-fi in certain areas and supplying temporary cellphones for jobless people help to find a better job.

On the other hand, there are opposing view against distribution policy of free Internet and phone and highlighting the importance of training workforce. It seems to me that main reason of unemployment is not lack of telecommunication but professional training. Once jobless people take appropriate professional training program, they would escape from unemployed dull life. Moreover, there should be availability of short-courses for workers to improve their capacity regularly; and as a result, they will be sufficient educated with up-to-date information and technology.

In the conclusion, I am strongly convinced with the viewpoint that efficiency of free wi-fi and mobile phone policy would have much less value than improving human resource's capacity and skills with the latest technology and information.

SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Feb 11, 2014   #2
please mention the prompt entirely, it is help for make evaluation about your writing
OP agi 13 / 30 4  
Feb 11, 2014   #3
in conclusion?
SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Feb 11, 2014   #4
hy, Agi
I mean write complete prompt is what IELTS want you to answer?
probably discussing, giving your agreement or others.is it just "Some people think that government should provide unemployed people with a free cell"?

intro, for me making thesis statement debatable is better
There is an assumption that government should be supported unemployed people temporary with cell phone while critics against it.

In this essay, I will discuss this issue from both sides of view and present my personal opinion.

I partly agree with the viewpoint

it is quite similar

On the one hand, most job

To begin with

On the other hand , there are

Nevertheless

In the wake of growing number of user of internet and member of social network, many job agency put their job advertisements on the websites rather than publishing in the newspapers or journals.

i can't find any verb

overall this nice, I get your idea
Pahan 1 / 1,907 553  
Feb 11, 2014   #5
please mention the prompt entirely, it is help for make evaluation about your writing

Yes, this is very important. Your title alone would not help us understand what it requires from you. Make sure you include the prompt with your essay.

I think your intro needs improvements in terms of its structure and I'm copying the one that dumi suggests for this task.
Fardhani Putri 23 / 46 7  
Feb 11, 2014   #6
Hi Agi,
Actually we have the same topic in my latest essay, so I knew the prompt..and its about to what extent do you agree and disagree

Being unemployed for your people would be the most tragic phenomena

.. young people

many job agency put their job....

...agencies

Moreover, there should be availability of short-courses for workers

availabilityavailable .. be is verb so after that it should be adjective
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Feb 13, 2014   #7
On the one hand, most job vacancy could be found in websites. In the wake of growing number of user of internet and member of social network, many job agency put their job advertisements on the websites rather than publishing in the newspapers or journals. However, payment to get access of Internet makes jobless people desperate and hopeless because they could not pay for it. Therefore, some government officials are initiating the policy of installing wi-fi in certain areas and supplying temporary cellphones for jobless people help to find a better job.

I don't find this argument is a strong one to convince the reader. I see very distant relationship between contribution of a cell towards finding a job. You could have said that a mobile phone is a must need in today's context and without which the life would be much difficult. This is because everything is now automated and people need online access even for simple activities like booking a train, paying bills etc.
OP agi 13 / 30 4  
Feb 13, 2014   #8
Thank you for your comments. Dumi

How about this? I put some contributing factor that may reader to be convinced.

On the one hand, most job vacancy could be found in websites. In the wake of growing number of user of internet and member of social network, many job agencies put a job vacancy notes on the websites rather than publishing in the newspapers or journals. Therefore, jobseeker should be provided with free zone of wifi which would be helpful to search a job advertisements free of charge. Allowance of internet would be partly beneficial because connecting with employers through email and chats is not comfortable. Thereby, free cellphone seems a proper tool to communicate with employer. Once job seeker are provided with free cell until they find a job, they will save a time and arrange interviews and schedules.
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Feb 13, 2014   #9
In the wake of growing number of users of internet and member of social networks , many job agencies put a job vacancy notemay advertise on the websites rather than publishing in the newspapers or journals.

This is fine, but it is better for your example than the reason. Let's do this body para now;
First, in today's context, the mobile phones have become one of the most required devices in our lives. This is due to our heavy dependence on automated communication systems. Therefore mobile phones are very useful for the job seekers. For example, in the wake of growing number of users of internet and social networks, many job agencies use online advertisements.
sabakhai 5 / 11  
Feb 13, 2014   #10
I can see many grammatical mistakes. Save 5 minutes in last to review your work.
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
Feb 20, 2014   #11
Hellooo..,

Have these three parts in your introduction;

I strongly suggest you to follow Pahan's approach for your introduction. Also, if you could, you might construct your conclusion with this structure:


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