IETLS: Children can benefit by engaging in some kind of paid work

Hi there. Now starting to prepare IELTS exam for my oversea studying. I hope someone can rectify my writing skill because i think writing is one of my weakness.

thank for your help you can strongly comment my poor essay.

Question in task 2 : In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it a valuable work work experience, which is important for learning and taking responsibility. What is your opinion?

Nowadays, the society have been changing, most of people is facing challenge with international community. In my opinion, I think that children work in work place and learn is definitely valuable and helpful, while whether works are paid or not. The reason are as fellows.

First of all, After graduating from university education, we normally have to look for the job for self-sustaining. In this generation, some of companies do always focus on people whose social experience rather educational degree. I certainly agree that experience is more essential than educational background.

Secondly, some of people said working is completely wrong when we were children. For this perspective, I intend to argue that working can find self-interesting and direction of personality, it will help people to choose their job and take responsibility for ourselves in the future.

Meanwhile, some of parents support their children to study in cream school and spend lots of money on expenditure of education. However, it seems that dose not have a good feedback from children, moreover refusing majority of money. I believe that we should let children have a liberal developing to search what they want.

To sum up, I once again restate work in childhood is better than period of adult.
Further and even more importantly, deliberating way in head of schedule will be let ourselves successful in advance.

... This sentence seems to be out of topic. Why you talk about international community? What's its relevance to the topic?


Here the idea is that if you have some work experience during your childhood, that helps you find a job after graduation. However, that idea isn't expressed properly. Your writing tends to give sort of an out of topic feeling. You better re-do this essay. Also, it's not social experience but work experience. Social experience is mostly used to express how socialized you are... it has only little to do with work.

As Pahan mentioned, I too find your first line goes out of topic. It is important to keep an alignment with your topic theme throughout your essay. Focus on what your topic asks you.


Again, this is not well aligned with the topic. Also, you need to back your reasons with specific examples.
I advise you to pay attention to the essay structure for this task.