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ktekte 1 / 1  
Apr 19, 2023   #1
Hi guys, I need help for the IELTS task 2 essay, I'm new to IELTS Writing so if you have any comments, feel free to add in. I appreciate all of your answers.

It is the responsibility of schools to teach children good behavior in addition to providing formal education. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In order to be engaged with rich learning, providing children with good behavior is highly prioritized. Therefore, understanding the principles in manners will fill kids with the joy of learning and reduce the amount of snoring students in classes. People argue that it is the responsibility of the schools to make sure that their students are well-behaved, however, there are other progress that are equally important. Both of these views will be discussed in the essay below.

Schools, as well as educational institutions are where kids spend most of their time at. These destinations automatically became one of the most influenced factors that supports forming student's characteristics. For that reason, besides having a rigorous academic curriculum, schools should also invest in a mentally-friendly studying environment by teaching the minors to have good manners. This comprises furnishing the youths with the way to respect everyone, including themselves, this way the kids will absorb the formal education more effortlessly.

Some people suggested that alongside with the schools, there are other external elements that are effectually contributed to the growth in terms of the students' traits. Firstly, it is crucial for young people to have their own self-discipline. This may be attributed during the process of communicating with their families and friends. Secondly, nowadays, the resurgence of public relations, noticeably from social medias including Tiktok and Facebook, plays a significant role in shaping the children's ideologies when it comes to good behavior. Parents should guide the offspring to the appropriate channels and contents in order to support their learning.

To conclude, from my perspective, no matter how well the schools tackle with their student's behavioral trends, if the youths can't build their own self-discipline and their families don't take a good care of their mental health, they won't be able to efficiently receive further education. Therefore, other influencing factors should also be considered.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,886 4564  
Apr 20, 2023   #2
The opening paragraph will result in an overall preliminary failing score for this essay. It will be impossible to get a passing score in this paragraph because:

1. The first 2 sentences have changed the discussion focus and topic concentration of the original prompt.
2. The writer shows that he did not understand the discussion writing instructions based on:

Discussion Question: To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Response: Both of these views will be discussed in the essay below.

Since the writer showed that he has a problem with English comprehension when it comes to receiving directions, he will automatically receive failing scores in:

1. Task Accuracy
2. Coherence and Cohesiveness
3. GRA

All of which relate to how well he presented a relevant response to the question. He failed to provide the appropriate response to the given discussion question.
OP ktekte 1 / 1  
Apr 20, 2023   #3
Thank you very much! I'll work on my introduction based on your feedbacks
jinnakamura 1 / 2  
Apr 21, 2023   #4
You may need to mention more about the school factor in the second body paragraph.
Besides, I heard that "offspring" is an out-fashioned word and should not be used in the essay.
I think you have a good range of vocabulary.