IETLS: Violence on TV and in games impact negatively on people's manners (Opinion essay)

Violence on TV and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society

There is currently a contentious argument over whether playing games on the computer and watching television containing violent scenes negatively impact on people's manners. From my point of view, I totally agree with this opinion because it makes harmful images and leads to problem behavior in our society.

The main reason why I believe violence is definitely harmful to everyone is that it forms a detrimental environment for those exposed to these entertainments, especially for children and teenagers. TVs and computers are undeniably popular with almost every family so any kind of violence will be instantly and widely updated if it is released. For instance, children accidentally see violence on TV and it could be a haunting memory for them when it is off the top of their head.

Another reason I support this notion is that it causes people to misunderstand the violence which is supposed to be in the ordinary way. They manifest violence via actions and perceptions. For example, they are more likely to use their fists as they get into arguments such as rows, fights,... It is also possible that they have violent thoughts which intensely threaten the standard of acceptable behavior in society.

To sum up, I completely agree that violent games and TV programs have injurious effects on individuals, even on society. Given this situation, it seems that not only should the government has more strict regulations about violence in social media but also each person needs to raise awareness in selecting the form of entertainment more healthily and safely.

Okay.The writer was asked to provide an opinion + justification discussion in the presentation. This was achieved to a great degree by the writer. What was not required was a solution presentation in the summary conclusion. This is a prompt deviation that forced an open-ended discussion. The essay could recieve a failing score for 2 reasons in the end:

- Lack of proper conclusion summary
- Addition of an unrelated discussion in the concluding presentation

The grammar of the student is not perfect, but neither is it confusing to read in it's imperfect manner. The examiner can pretty much figure out what the point of the statement is. I would advice the student to stop using idioms as he does this out of content (e.g. it could be a haunting memory for them when it is off the top of their head) . Additionally, ellipses (...) . are used mostly in creative writing. Avoid its use in an academic essay. Also, a comma and ellipses cannot be used simultaneously as each punctuation mark offers a different sentence meaning soit does not make sense to the reader when used successively in a sentence.

Hi there, I think I notice some minor grammar errors in this essay:
impact on people's
should the government has have

Hello,
You may differ my opinion, but it seems that both your supporting paragraphs tend to lack strong support. The essay does mention that the depicted violence can basically have psychological influence on the viewers, but there is little essence in just stating that. In other words, it states "These can happen." but not "Why and how these can happen". Reasons are not always necessarily required, but they are generally important in making an essay more persuasive and compelling. For instance, real life examples and humans' temperamental response to violence can be added.