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Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has ..


Lola12 10 / 9  
Nov 13, 2016   #1
I will appreciate any kind of recommondation in order to improve my writing.

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion?

The rising livels of violence is one of the major problems in today's society. many believe that the violence we observe on TV and in computer games is an essential part of the problem, while others argue that there are not enough evidences supporting this theory. In my opinion, nowadays the bound between the real and virtual world is too small and we tend to transfer the aggression we observe in front of our screens into the real world.

First, for most of us is difficult to remember the last movie, which does not consisted at least one violent scene. It is not an easy task to remain cold-blooded and restrained, when you are surrounded by so many aggression and violence. Moreover, it is scientifially proven that people tend to transfer what they see in the virtual world into their own lives. So, it is not a suprise why so many kids and adults become more aggressive after watching their favourite movies or serials.

It is well-known fact, that the play of computer games is the most popular leisure activity across the teenagers. In addition to this, the combat and shooting games are the most played one's and with the amount of violence, which they contain, it is not a secret why many children nowadays more aggressive than the children in the previous generations. Unfortunately, a huge percetage of these gamers transfer this aggressive approach in their schools and homes and as we all know the violence begets more violence.

At the end of the day, i think that if we want to tackle the problem with the rising levels of violence and create new, safer environment for the future generations, we should to educate our kids what is good and what is dangerous for their future. We need to explain that the aggressive attitude threatens not only their future, but the future and the goodwill of the people the value and love.

akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Nov 13, 2016   #2
Hi Ivan..
These are my thoughts towards your essay. Please, you check them>


The rising livels LEVELS(Be careful of misspelling)
... world is too small and SO THAT(harness appropriate conjuntions to make a flow better) we tend to transfer

First, for most of us is difficult to [...] many aggression and violence

Could you make it simpler..?? I knew what you mean. You wanna explain people are likely to remember something negative, especially the violence. However, you make your sentences difficult to be understood. I must pause to get the point of your essay. Keep in your mind that you communicate with readers in this essay, not to impress them.

it is scientifially proven that people tend to transfer what they see ...

You mentioned that there is a scientific fact. You are supposed to review contents of the research briefly to strengthen what you write. If you do not, it will seem as layman's opinion.

At the end of the day

I know you wanna make the examiner impressive with your vocabulary. However, for the element people have known like the into words of conclusion, I suggest you harness general words such as (In conclusion, to conclude, to sum up). Make it clear that is the conclusion paragraph.

i think that if we want to tackle the problem with the rising levels of violence and create new, safer environment for the future generations,

Why did you explain new substances in the conclusion? The conclusion is linear with the thesis statement. Well, you can give suggestions after you write paraphrasing your thesis statement.


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