TOEFL for immigration purpose - to be or not to be independent?

Hi people,

I am taking TOEFL soon for immigration purpose and hoping to improve my writing before that. Please feel free to drop me a comment on my writing. I have limited myself 30 minutes on this practice.

Any help is much appreciated.

Cheers,
JJ

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Topic:
Some young adult want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situation do you think is better? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

Answer:
Nowadays, the time frame to independency for young adult becomes a debating topic in the society. Some young adults are eagerly looking forward to their independency from their parents whereas others prefer live at home for longer time. In my opinion, young adults are better off live with their families for a longer period of time and I will explain the reasons in the following paragraphs.

Firstly, it does bring positive impact to the society as one. This is because young adult has limited capability to earn enough stipends to survive. The monetary pressure could potentially lead to crime when they are not able to come out with a solution to ease their situation. For instance, they will work as drug transporter for the financial aid. So, living at home can decrease the money requires for necessity such as rental is not an issue for young adult to worry for.

According to research, they do grow into better person staying with their elders. Undeniable, independence skill is invaluable, however, their maturity could be easily affected without the guidance of their elders. For example, young adult who hang out with rich friends can be getting materialistic due to the constant exposure to luxury goods. Hence, they will be able to get well-rounded development with advice as you go from the experienced elders.

Other than that, their parents need company of their raised child. Some of the individuals are brought up by sole parent, which means their parent will be unavoidably lonely when it is the time for their children to get independence from home. With longer time living at home, young adult can shows their gratitude to ease the loneliness and helpless feelings of their parent.

To put in briefly, young adults should live at home a longer time, which bring benefit in many ways.

Hi Jiajing!

You are doing very well for a 30 minute time frame. However, I think you should be more specific in certain areas.

"and I will explain the reasons in the following paragraphs." For the introduction paragraph, I think it would be better if you list out the reasons; let the readers know which direction you are approaching, and then be more details and elaborate more in your body paragraphs.

"Firstly, it does bring positive impact to the society as one." what is "it"? Be specific. Try to use examples that somehow related to you, or connected to the readers. "drug transporter" sounds a little too negative. Ex: limited capacity to earn money = might drop out of school= no education= many problems.

Avoid using "this is because", just get straight to your reasoning. Explain more, why do young adults can't earn enough income?

"According to research" What research? Be specific (whom, what, where, when). If you are not sure, don't write it.

"their maturity could be easily affected without the guidance of their elders." Well they are young adults right? Shouldn't they be mature enough to be responsible for their actions? Maybe it would be better to say that their inexperience in life could affect their judgement and their decision making. By staying a little longer with families, they could slowly adjust to their new life and get advice when needed.

"they will be able to get well-rounded development." Improve would be a better word choice.

"Other than that" Use finally since you started with "firstly".

I think your reasons are a little weak. I think the best way to write your response for this kind of prompt is to think of it as an argument, and you are trying to persuade the readers to be on your side. Ask yourself questions that you might get ask and incorporate your answers into your reasoning. How can young adults learn to be independent when they are living with their families at home? What are their responsibilities?

Also take into account the cultural differences too, like how most Americans parents encourage their kids to be independent while most Asians parents would love for their kids to stay with them as long as possible.

Young adults should be in plural form since that's what stated in your prompt, and you are using "they".

The conclusion should be a summary of your essay. Remind the readers of your reasons.