OK, this is just my second essay on EssayForum, and I hope someone can give me some comments and evaluations about the essay. Thank you!
Topic:
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Games are as important for adults as they are for children. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
My writing (328 words)
As people grow up, the arguments about the importance of games arise. Some people think that, adults need playing games as children do. However, in my opinion, games are no longer too important for them for several reasons.
The first reason is that games become unnecessary for people when their careers begin. Someone may argue that games help adults relax and become more balanced in life. But, more often, the pressure of work and family commitment force them to abandon their lifelong hobbies, and as a result, they cannot spend enough time and effort to their favorite games as they did in 15 or 20 years ago. For example, in my country, except for a minor part of professional athletes, the majority of people stop playing games seriously as soon as they find a decent job. They often feel that such games become more troublesome than enjoyable for their daily lives.
Another reason should be mentioned is that adults often do not pursue games as a competitive activity, while children are always keen on competition and winning. For youngsters, maintaining their desire to win often develops many outstanding characteristics whether they participate sport events or not. For example, my younger sister likes fencing, and thanks to her desire to win, she never gives up when facing a difficult situation, or even becoming hurt. On the other hand, adults often consider such behaviors as childish and drop them immediately. In fact, a competitive person usually finds it difficult to cooperate with friends and colleagues. Because of that, they no longer play games for any moderate achievements, and gradually lose their interest in such activities.
To sum up, I think adults do need to play games, but their styles are often distinct from children's, which are often less competitive and more enjoyable. Along with the high requirement for family and work, games are just some leisure activities for adults, not something necessary as they are meant to be for children.
Hello ^^
I have some suggestions.
they do not spend enough time
For example, in my country, the majority of people with the exception of professional athletes stop playing games seriously as soon as they find a decent job.
Another reason that should be mentioned is adults often do not pursue games as a competitive activity...
they participate in sport events or not
For example, my younger sister likes fencing, and due to her desire to win, she never gives up whenever she faces a difficult situation, or when she gets injured.
hello, you have given sufficient reasoning but in conclusion you have raised new thesis point the bellow
"but their styles are often distinct from children, which are often less competitive and more enjoyable." as you have described how the adults are not oriented to participate in game but not change of their styles compared to children. I think so but may be I am wrong.
one more, third para is little complex because it made difficult to smooth reading.
I am not well in grammar I could not do that part.
Hey.
I am preparing TOEFL now
i think you should develop more on the intro like introduce more generous topic about game of people's life
Hi,
your essay has good ideas and many examples. My suggestion is that you could write more words in your examples.
I rewrite some parts of your paragraphs and make it more concise and straightforward.
Hope it might be helpful to convey your ideas! ^__^"
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As people grow up, they begin to argue the importance of games. For Some adults, they think they should play games as children do. However, in my opinion, games are less important for adults for following reasons.
First, games become unnecessary for adults when their careers begin. Someone may argue that games help adults relax and balance their work and life. However, the pressure of work and family commitment force them to abandon their lifelong hobbies. As a result, they have no time to play their favorite games anymore. For example, in my country, most people stop playing games seriously as soon as they find a decent job. They even feel that playing games would ruin their enjoyable daily lives..
Second, adults losing their passions on playing games. In general, adults do not pursue games as a competitive activity, while children are always keen on competition and winning. For youths, their desire to winning a game often develops many outstanding characteristics. For instance, my younger sister likes fencing, and she never gives up when facing a difficult situation, or even get hurt. In contrast to youths, adults often consider their behaviors as childish, and drop their games. In addition, people who have job always find it is difficult to cooperate with competitive colleagues. Therefore, they no longer play games for any moderate achievements and gradually lose their interest in such activities.
To sum up, adults need to play games, but their passions and persuasions are often distinct from children's, which are often competitive and more enjoyable. Along with the high requirement for family and work, people might think games are just some leisure activities for adults instead of something necessary that they are meant to be for children.
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Hi;
Very short introduction, it could be compeleted like this;
As people grow up, the arguments about the importance of games arise. Some people think that, adults need playing games as children do. There are many various games which may be suitable for adults and help them fell relax and happy aftera long work day. However, in my opinion, games are no longer too important for them for several reasons.
By the way, this essay is very coherent and well organized. good luck
bahar
Hello, Nguyen,
I am sorry for my rough evaulation above. Here are some details.
First, to better convey your ideas, you could transfer "nominalization" into pure subjects and verbs. (ex. "arguements" about something => argue about something). Doing so can help readers get your points easily.
Next, you would better avoid writing exceptions and deviations. For example, in your writing, you wrote "except for XXX" in second paragraph, "whether they participate XXX or not" in third one, and "adults do need to play games" in your conclusion. These ideas might mislead your readers and make your standpoints suspicious.
At last, if you have time to write more, you could enlarge your introduction and give readers more time to get your opinion. This might show your consideration for your readers and catch their eyes.
All in all, your essay has deep thoughts and good examples. I marked my suggestions in your essay attached below and hope they are helpful for you to write enticing essays.
Good luck!
Matt
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As people grow up, they begin to argue about the importance of games. For Some adults , they think they should play games as children do. However, in my opinion, games are less important for adults for several reasons.
First, games become unnecessary for adults when their careers begin. The pressure of work and family commitment force them to abandon their lifelong hobbies; they cannot spend as much time and effort to their favorite games as they did in 15 or 20 years ago. For example, in my country, most people stop playing games seriously as soon as they find jobs. Although some people may argue that games help them relax after work and become more balanced in life, they soon feel that such games become more troublesome if they want an enjoyable lives.
Second, adults lose their passions for playing games. In general, adults do not pursue games as competitive activities, while children are always keen on competition and winning. For youths, their desire to winning games often develops many outstanding characteristics. For example, my younger sister likes fencing, and she never gives up when facing a difficult situation, or even get hurt. On the other hand, adults often consider such insistence as childish. In addition, people who have jobs always find it is difficult to cooperate with competitive colleagues. Therefore, they no longer play games for any moderate achievements, and gradually lose their interests in such activities.
To sum up, since their lifestyles are so distinct from children's, adults often show less competitive and enjoyable in playing games. Along with high requirements for family and work, people might think games are just some leisure activities for adults instead of something necessary that they are meant to be for children.
Sorry for my (very) late answering, but I got numerous assignments in school and I was unable to peruse your comments. Now they are over, I will read it carefully and post my correction. Thanks for your help!
to Amber: I'm not sure what's the difference between 'thanks to' and 'due to'. As far as I know, 'thanks to' is used to describe a good reason leading to the result and 'due to' is for the bad reason. Am I right?
Other than that, your correction is useful :)
to laichun: Your essay is much better than mine :) If you don't mind, I will use your correction for my later re-writing.
Here's my correction (that's quite similar to laichun's post). Its length is just 263 words since I tried to remove unnecessary expressions. In fact, I feel my verbose style of writing is similar to speaking than academic writing. I will try better next time, however, could anyone suggest me some tips to make an essay more concise? (in my last essay, a lot of 'that' were used).
As people grow up, they argue about the importance of games. Some adults think they should play games as children do. However, I think games become less important for them for several reasons.
First, games become unnecessary for adults as their career begins. Some may argue that games help adults relax and become more balanced. However, the pressure of work and family commitment force them to abandon their hobbies. As a result, they do not spend enough time and effort to their favorite games as they did before. For example, in my country, the majority of people stop playing games seriously when they have a job. They feel such games become more troublesome for their daily lives.
Second, adults do not pursue games as competitive activities while children are always keen on competition and winning. For young people, their desire to win develops outstanding characteristics whether they participate in sport events or not. For example, my younger sister likes fencing. Thanks to her desire, she never gives up when facing a difficult situation or getting hurt. On the other hand, adults consider such insistence as childish. In addition, people often find it difficult to cooperate with competitive colleagues. Therefore, they no longer play for any moderate achievements and gradually lose their interests in such activities.
To sum up, because adults' lifestyles are distinct from children's, adults demonstrate a less competitive mood when playing games. Along with high requirements for family and work, people might think games are just some leisure activities instead of something necessary that they are meant to be for children.
