The importance to have second language ; First paragraph

I need correct it.

This is the first paragraph. It is defending my these about knowing another language is better learning performance.

First of all, people who learn a second language have an easier time learning for new languages, because the brain is conditioned to work with other possibilities for structuring sentences. Moreover, to improve the knowledge and learning skills. Being bilingual can help to develop some abilities like, motivation and attention, these skills are important to understand easily many things and assist studies. When student starts learning a new language is necessary to learn grammar rules, and when this process is started it is very common to compare both languages, native and foreign language, consequently the native language turns out to be enhanced. By learning another language, people improve their reasoning ability, this way, they can improves concentration and memory skills, due to the development of cognitive and procedural abilities. In addition, has greater highlighted on selection processes, because improve learning strategy.

What do you mean by first paragraph? Is this your introduction?
Generally an essay should include an introduction, body paragraphs and conclusion. If it is your introduction, you need to open the essay with an interesting hook that grabs the reader's attention. Then you need to introduce your background of your topic to the reader. Finally, you need to briefly introduce the points you are going to talk about in the body paragraphs.

... you should have stopped the first sentence after "motivation and attention". Then begun the next line.


Well, overall I feel your contents lack logical reasoning. You keep telling various reasons that benefit an individual when he learns a second language. But reader cannot grasp them convincingly as they do not have a proper base. Either you should have given examples to support your reasoning or you should have given more conceivable reasons like;

1. Learning a second language enhances one's communication ability
2. It also helps a person to enhance his or her outlook and there by broaden his/her perspectives.
3. A second language helps people with career opportunities - they standout others in competition.

is it an argumentative writing?
because what i got when i read it, you keep telling the readers about the advantages to have the second language. if so, i think support reasons when you support people who learn second language. therefore, your writing will be stronger.

if you just put your own opinion, it will look like you tell people your story without basic sentence to support your writing.
my lecture told me, if we want to make our writing stronger, we need to put around 40% our argument or opinion, 40% the reality that will be taken down by our argument, and 20% the fact to support our writing that our argument is strong enough for reader.

I have made my introduction paragraph, this is my first body paragraph. In my introduction I wrote hook, background information and 3 theses, the first one is this that I posted here.

Thank you.

Ok... if so, this should contain the reasons and examples to support those reasons. Generally it is good to have just one reason per one body para. For example, take the first reason;


Now instead of going to tell another reason, you should now give a specific example to support this reason. Otherwise you cannot convince the reader. (Also, if you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL, they give you marks on these features ) Then take the other reason to a new para and support that too with an example.