Toefl: more important to work at a job that you enjoy than to earn a lot of money

Hi every body it is an essay that I wrote it in the sample test. I appreciate to hear your opinions.

I agree with the statement that working at a job that you enjoy is more important than earning money because of two main reasons.
First, when you work at a job that is pleasant for you, you are eager to work better and you will not feel tired at all. This eagerness to the work helps you to work more; also, your boss likes employees who are good at work and sometimes increases such employees' salary. In addition there is a chance to receive some awards when you work well. For example, my brother employed five years ago in a job that he liked it. Although he has worked in this job only for five years, he has received many awards from his boss because of being good at work.

Second, when you work at a job which you like it, you have a feeling of being important in your life. You will not feel tired after you come back home and that helps you to enjoy your life. Working in a job you hate is like a torture. For example, my father was employed in a work that he didn't like. Only reason for joining to this job was having good salary. Although our family had not any serious financial issues, my father had not a good feeling about his life.

In conclusion, working at a job you like is better than working only for money.

Oh my goodness! I'm sorry but I have to say that you really can't get a good score with that essay! All parts of it is too short! You should make a board statement or an quote or an anecedote or any thing interesting to grab your reader's attention. Then you need to narrow down your topic, that is, relate what you've written in the first sentence with the assignment. THe third sentence will be your thesis statement, in which you give your opinion and three main reasons. NEVER say " for three reason" but say " for A, B and C". FOr body paragraphs what you need is supporting details, that is, examples rather than reasoning. Pure reasoning is NEVER enough to get your readers fully convinced! While in the conclusion part, you first need to restate your thesis, or put paraphrase it, as my English teacher puts it. THen you need to relate your conclusion to your introduction, relate to the very first sentence, which is called the "Hook" by the way .

I find you have a good idea about the essay structure for this task. However, as Pahan suggests, I too feel your introduction needs improvement. It's better you introduce the argument first and then tell the reader about your position.


.... in this paragraph, you start with one reason;


... this is the reason ... ok?
Then you move on to another idea;


....and support this with an example.
However, what you should have done is that you support the first reason with an example.

Thank you my friends for your opinions. I added support for the reason I gave in second paragraph; also, I wrote an introduction to the essay. How is this one? Have you an idea about conclusion?

In conclusion, the most important aspect that have influence on job satisfaction is being at a job that you like and it is less dependent to the salary you receive

.... well... this sounds a bit illogical generalization... Of course there are lots of people who are not willing to do a job that they have no interest even if the job pays them well. So, you should have replaced the word "Many" with "Some" and add the word "like", - then it makes more sense;

Some people like to work for a job that pays high, regardless of whether they generate any satisfaction for them or not.