Hi, I am Novi, I've written an IELTS task 1. Would you please let me know your comments. Thank you in advance
Question:
The pie chart shows the percentage of persons arrested in the five years ending 1994 and the bar chart shows the most recent reasons for arrest
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.The imprisonment percentage comparison between man and woman is revealed by the diagram and the information about the reason for most recent detention is depicted by the bar chart. Both of the data were during five years ending 1994. Overall, it is immediately apparent that man committed more crime than woman. It also showed that the public drinking was the most reason for detention both man and women.
To begin with the first data, man detention percentage was three more times than women, at 32%. In addition, public drinking was the most argument of commit crime, which women saw the highest percentage than man, approximately 37% when man above 30%. The second reason man commit crime in drink driving case while woman in assault case. Other reasons such as breach of order and theft showed man committed more than woman. There were also several other reasons and no answer that revealed by the offender.
Combine Chart
Novi, I would like to say welcome to EssayForum :) It is good to see a new member every single day, which means that this forum is growing bigger than ever before. I just want to remind all the new members to be careful in delivering feedback and corrections towards other members' essay. The rule of this forum is pretty clear. You are not allowed to convey meaningless feedback, which only consists of 1 or 2 sentences. There are a number of people who get suspended because they violate the rule. Therefore, you need to do the best that you can do in delivering feedback to others. Now, for a description of your errors, you can check it below.
- ...man and woman is revealed byin the diagram...
- ...the reason for most recent detention is depicted byin the bar chart...
- Both of the data were during five years endingcame between 1989 and 1994.
- Overall, it is immediately apparent that, (comma needed) man committed...
- ...public drinking was the mosthighest reason for detention botharresting man and women.
- To begin with the first data , man detention... (seems to me this is an unnecessary detail)
- ...was three more times bigger than women...
- ...public drinking was the most argumenthighest percentage reason why peopleof commit crime...
- ...whichwhile women saw the highesthigher percentage than man, at approximately 37% when and man above 30% for man .
I am just wondering why did you limit yourself by only creating 2 paragraphs. This is not a good idea after all, since you need to present a report summary as clear as possible. The number of words that you wrote was also worrying, 154 words were too risky. I suggest you to aim for 165 up to 200 words for this type of essay.
Cheers :)
Hi Novu, indeed, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family!
Now, here's my take on your analysis.
- man and womanmale and female ( I believe this is more appropriate to this analysis ) is revealed
- byin the
- years ending in 1994.
- that the public drinking was
- the most common reason
- wasis ( mind the tenses that you use in your words ) - the most argument of commitin committing a crime, - whichwhere women saw
- when manmen are above 30%.
- inis drink driving
- showed manthat are committed by men more than woman. T
- no answer thatwas revealed
There you have it Novu, I hope the corrections are helpful towards your revision. Mind the form of your subject, you might want to change your "man" to "men" and "woman" to "women", as we are referring to a number of them in this analysis, also, mind your punctuation marks, as you notice, it seemed as though punctuation marks does not exist in your essay.
Hi novi, I'm glad to learn IELTS together with you
Overall, your writing idea is good but not complete. I have some suggestion for you.
In your paragraphs, you just mention about public drinking for the details
maybe you can use some classification to describe another reasons of persons arrested
e.g at between 10 % and 20% - for 3 reasons such as breach of other, assaults, theft, other reason
and be careful with using 'by' and 'in' for your sentence -........for example: by in the.........
I hope you enjoy for the next writing practice
hi again novi. i found some noticeable mistakes here, and hopefully we can improved our skill after found our mistakes.
stert from here -----The second reason man commit crime in [...] and no answer that revealed by the offender.---- to here
i think you can give more detail information such as comparison for both sexes in some reasons. and give a data like, the number or percentages. because with that you can explain more about the data. and novi, its better for you to make your written clearly provide the information from the pisture. so, try to write mote than just 2 paragraph.
overall you already good to use many variation of words, its really good.
good luck, and keep learning :)
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