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TOEFL independent writing - a better life with an undergraduate degree or a master degree?


anchitang0321 1 / -  
Mar 27, 2018   #1

Why people attend college?



Nowadays, a lot of people strive for a better life with an undergraduate degree or even a master degree. However, what are the reasons that make people long for it?

First of all, in my opinion, the most important reason is to increase your strength and to be standout from others. This is a cruel world, a competition of our world become more and more drastic, and even a very simple job or even a low position will attract hundred of the crowd to apply for it. Only those who have a great education and general knowledge can gain better work, additionally, win this battle. For those who do not attend university, it is harder to have a stable job or even raise the whole family.

Second, attending a college can change our lives. For example, a student who is from countryside can broaden his horizon by taking different courses or attending a social club, besides, he can grab the chance to be an intern at a company and change his life in the future. On the other hand, most of the rural children have to work early in a small factory, obtaining slim salary to pay the bills and the costs of living. Unfortunately, they can not have additional money to buy something they want or enjoy a bountiful feast.

Last but not least, people can increase their knowledge from the undergraduate courses, studying always makes our life rich and colorful. Not only can it expands our eyesight by informing us with lots of new things that we can not gain from our common life or experience, but also helps us to become a profound person. Plus, we can learn the skills that are necessary for our future job, that will definitely be helpful on someday.
TJLuschen - / 241 203  
Mar 29, 2018   #2
Hi, I think your writing is not too bad, but your essay needs a better introduction and conclusion. You don't really have a thesis statement. I don't think a rhetorical question is suitable as a thesis statement and I would recommend that your intro and conclusion each be at least three sentences long. You have three good reasons, but I think including specific, detailed examples would help drive home your points and increase your word count. Here are some specific suggestions:

First of all, in my opinion, the most important reason is to increase your strength {"strength" seems an odd word choice - used alone it would refer to physical strength}

cruel world, [so] competition [in] our world [has] become

will attract hundreds] of [job seekers] {or "applicants"} to apply

gain better work [and] win this battle.

a stable job or even raise [support their] whole family.

a student who is from [the] countryside can broaden

attending a social club[;] besides, he can grab

undergraduate courses[;] studying always makes

can it [expand] our eyesight by informing us [of] lots of new things

that will definitely be helpful on someday.


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