TOEFL independent writing prompt: kids are obsessed with video games and that causes health problems

technology effect on children

A debate on whether the technology has positive influence on children is always a hot topic,and many people choose to support the idea that technology always has negative effect on children,however, i will support the argument that technology has positive effect on children.

it is undeniable that like playing simple toys or playing outside with friends, technology has positive influence on children's development as well. as technology advances, class experience has increased a lot.instructors could teach children in various ways. for instance, the technology on augment reality and virtual reality advanced a lot.people could be immersed in a scene which they can not be there in real life easily.by these technology ,children could engage in the courses profoundly. for instance, children could learn animals by using virtual reality, they could learn geology by using augment reality. furthermore, children now could get in touch with friends on any devices easily due to these chat application. they can have a video chat with friends whenever they want, even if they are not in different country.

However,as we said,every coin has two sides.technology has some negative effect on children's development. as people become wealthier and moreover, technology advances, more and more children are obsessed with video games, leading to many physical maladies. for instance , watching monitor several hours could really demage children's eyesight and they spine. i have just heard a news that in china, a girl played a mobile game called,"honor of kings",which is really popular in china,for entire 24 hours, consequently,cause her blindness. this case mirrors a prevalent fact that children spend lot's of time on video games. chidlren. besides. as we see today in america, much more children become overweighted as they sit in front of the television all day, watching and eating,even do not move, the research shows that children's obesity rate is growing and the rate that children have heart attack,which is usually found among olders is increase as well.

Besides the physical issues that the technology causes, it has mental effects on children's development as well. children become more isolated and overstimulated if they obsessed with video games or watching television fo all day. since they never get in touch with others when they playing video games and watching television. besides, children become more violent due to exposed to violence through television and video games, people are lack of self-displine and like to mimic things when they were childen. therefore, they can not distinguish them and imitate these violence,as a consequence, the rate of children crime is increasing every year. as we can see, technology has a negative influence on children's development.

In sum. while technology has negative influence on children's development, it has positive influence on them as well, therefore, we need to find a way to limit these negative influence and amplify the positive influence.

P1

A debate on whether ... (The dispute as to whether the technology has positive influence on children) is always a hot topic. While many ... on children, I, however, will support the argument ...

P2

"it is undeniable that like playing simple toys ....
For instance, ..."

I couldn't give further correction since I fail to understand your point. you'd better group the cases in order to make it more understandable.

Hi here are some points that i would like to recommend you
in the first paragraph, second line( i will support) its better to say ( i support the argument)
in the second paragraph, second line (as) write (As)

overall
i dont know randomly or intentionally end and start of each of sentences in your essays has a problem.
you missed to write the first word in sentences in capital.
as well length of your sentences are not good and usual its unusual i dont know why?
another point is that you should keep in your mind to write 3-5 sentences for each paragraph.

@yooceii, your essay will not pass the test in an actual setting for a serious number of reasons. The first, is your lack of academic writing abilities. You reflect a lack of English academic writing skill as you do not follow the proper writing technique for this sort of essay. In fact, any paper that you write in English must have the first word of every sentence, and every noun thereafter, written in capital form. This is done to indicate the start of a new sentence or a new paragraph. You are not writing a tweet or instagram update here so you must follow the formal writing norms, rules, and regulations upon which you are being scored. Additionally, you need to write a uniform number of sentences within each of the 5 paragraphs. That means, you need to show the reviewer that you can coherently express yourself within 305 sentence per paragraph. Anything longer than that will result in a lower score or, in an actual time crunch setting, a failure for you to complete the essay within the given time frame. Go for short but sweet. Be informative, but not wordy. Just speak of one reason per paragraph in a clear manner in order to represent your English skills. I cannot comment on the way that you developed the discussion because you did not offer the complete and original prompt at the start, which the basic requirement for all essays posted here for review. I can review your content if you remember to post the given prompt during your next round of practice tests.