Hello, I wrote about individualism. The main point of because I wanted to say something about change of the pursuit of uniformity, and to get the meaning across, individualism is written in comparison with egotism(egoism) in my essay. I want this essay be in formal register, and better it. I'm thinking of adding some social malady in the below paragraph(Therefore, the individualism is caring for~) clarifying individualism from egotism, and thereby justifying individualism and placing emphasis on embracing diversity. But, I don't know how to add these thesises without hindering the flow. And I wonder the last sentence looks okay. I'd be very appreciated for your feedback.
Individualism and Personal Diversity
The term, individualism, is exist and taught in South Korea capitalist system country, but the actual practice of individualism is not widely spread.
For the sake of our family, school, and company, region, nation, ideas like these are preferred over each individual member. The good point of these ideas is that it have protected this peninsula from other countries' invasion by uniting our race historically, and that bailed nation out from financial predicament in 1998, the year which is linked to IMF(International Monetary Fund). The bad point is the irrational regionalism that detest people from other region, for example, southern-east region(gyeongsangdo) and southern-west(geonrado) region, and is the exclusion of personal diversity.
Actually, the diffusion of individualism is more often than not considered as negative, and moreover, this idea is regarded social evil against the groupism, which is separate from the communism in communist country, in the name of the whole community's interest.
The reason why individualism is not normally acknowledged among in this society is that individualism is mistaken as the same as egotism, which is otherwise known as egoism.
However, It's quick and easy to find that this judgement is wrong by examining these two closely.
Individualism is the term that places priority to each individual, whereas egotism is the term that prioritizes ego(I), the person only itself. Since individuals are many, the former means behavour respecting each individuals. It respects and predicates upon every individual's value as 'I, you, he, she, etc' in perspective. Embracing the difference and diversity is the essence of the individualism. On the other hand, the latter means only thinking oneself and behaving without consideration of other persons. In egotism, the justification of a person's existence is only for the person in terms of egotism.
Therefore, the individualism is caring for every each individuals, and egoism is caring for only oneself. Provided that the actual individualism is developed and diffused, due to improvement of embracing other people, the harmony of whole community predicate upon diversity is possible.
To conclude, the mind-set change and new zeitgeist toward individualism are needed.
The term, individualism, is in existance and taught in South Korea, the country with a capitalist system country , but the actual practice of individualism is not widely spreaded .
it exists / they exist/ it is in existance/ they are in existanceFor the sake of our family, school,and company, region and nation, ideas like these are preferred over each individual member.
the word "and" comes before the last word of seperation. Also this sentence is not clear at all, it does not give your idea to the reader. Better re-phrase it.You have made mistakes in have/has, is .
On the other hand, the latter means only thinking oneself and behaving without consideration of other persons
On the other hand, the latter concentrates on only thinking about oneself and behaving without considering others.
