Hello again everybody! :)
Here is my essay, can you inform me about how to improve it and if you were to point it over 30, what would be my point ?
- In today's world, the following have acquired more importance when compared to the past.
Choose some of them and discuss the changes.
I've chosen; the individuality, use of machines and traveling for pleasure.
So far human life has changed substantially. Industrialization, day by day developing technology, human needs and lifestyle are some of the main factors of adopting a new way of living. Consequently, converting to a new lifestyle brings its own requirements and conventions, which are different from past times. Firstly, individuality has acquired a great importance in today's world. In addition, use of technology at home and work or traveling for pleasure are considerable variations when compared to the past.
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Thank you :)
So far human life has changed substantially. Industrialization, day by day developing technology, human needs and lifestyle are some of the main factors for adopting a new way of living. Consequently, converting to a new lifestyle brought aboutits own requirements and conventions, which are different from past times. Firstly, individuality has acquired a great importance in today's world. In addition, theuse of technology at home and work or traveling travelling for pleasure are considerable variations when compared to the past.
(That was a solid beginning. Way to go!)
To begin with, in old times opinions and choices of a several groups, emperors, noblemen or scholars had the major importance. Contrary to this now is the democratic regime whichallows everybody to express and implement ( I think make is better)their own decisions. To illustrate the point, we elect our leaders, we all have the chance to be well-educated and rich, we decide where and how to live etc. We may claim that the major factor that navigates (clever use!) one's life is his/her (one's??) decisions. As a consequence, (the) ordinary individual has more value now than (in) the past.
Moreover, anybody in the world can go anywhere in the world or even the space if he/she wishes.The Latest improvements and inventions of technology allow people to travel freely for pleasure. Fliers, planes or personal means of transportation, which are also low-cost and available to everybody, facilitate reaching the desired destination without segragation( what do you think?). In contrast to ancient times, it only takes hours to travel.
Another considerable conversion of today's human life is (the) usage of machines. Nowadays, a large amount of work can be done by machines only via (by) pushing a button. This provides*vi.* (offers*vt.*)people a great ease both at home and at work. To illustrate , in old times, for instance, people used to wash their clothes with their hands, and carried water to their homes or . It also took months (ages) to exchange letters. The Use of technology and machines broughtout (about: resulted in or led to) a lot of work done by less effort and time .Thus, people choose to use machines instead of human power in every side of their life.
All in all, nothing except human needs is permanent in this world of ours (our world is more natural, I think!).Since every individual have his/her own way of thinking, the technology and lifestyle of humans will continuously change (maybe constantly is better?) . The importance of individuality,the usage of machines and traveling can be some examples of the differences of today's world from the past. By time ( as life goes on\ with the passage of time)who knows what differences will our grandchildren write and discuss in their essays!
Well-written essay with the ideas flowing harmoniously. Forgive me for not grading it, but this is the best I could offer.
By the way,
Maybe= perhaps or possibly
May be = could be
Hey, alright! Thanks, Rosamond. I know serious scholars with good intentions when I see them.
Below, see all that is unnecessary? I scratch out what is unnessecary:
Firstly, individuality has acquired a great importance in today's world. In addition, use of Compared to past communication and transportation innovations, 21st century technology is considerably superior. Technology, at home and work, or traveling for pleasure or business, are considerable variations when compared to the past.
Hmmm... I had trouble with that one, above. Not sure of it. What are you trying to say about "individuality"? If you are not writing about it in the essay, it's better to leave it out of that first paragraph.
...has more value now than in the past.
Thank you both really a lot!
hmmm... about "individuality", I am not sure I understand what do you mean because I already explained (wrote about it on my essay) in second paragraph...
What I meant was that you use the word "individuality" in the intro and conclusion, but you don't ention individuality at all in the body of the essay. You do talk about how machines EMPOWER people, but that is not the same as "individuality." Individuality is all about being free to be unique as a separate individual human being.
I think maybe the essay seems to be about EMPOWERMENT rather than INDIVIDUALITY. Does that make sense? Sorry I was not clearer. However, this is just my thought about it; it is a good essay, nevertheless.
I think what Kevin is trying to say is that, in your first body paragraph (the one that should be about individuality, according to your intro) you actually discuss something a bit different. You say that we can elect our leaders and make our own decisions. You also say that "As a consequence, an ordinary individual has more value now than the past." However, only one of these points, making our own decisions, really has anything to do with individuality, and, given how little you say about it, even that doesn't connect particularly well. We elect our leaders, but we might do so based on shared popular opinions without critically analyzing the issues. We make our own decisions, but might all decide to wear the same clothes and eat at the same restaurants (archaeologists 1000 years from now will conclude we worship under the sign of the Golden Arches) We value the lives of each individual, but we might expect them to conform to more norms, precisely in order to minimize the risks they can take (no smoking, no drugs, more gun control, etc.) So, all of the points you make can be true without necessarily indicating an increase in individuality, i.e. a great deal of meaningful personal diversity among individuals. Empowerment is a better word, although you should still probably expand on your points if you want your paragraph to be convincing.
Yes, that's what I meant! :)
