In industrial society nowadays, many children are suffering from obesity and it is a serious problem

Hi! I am practicing on IELTS and I got this prompt
the prompt says: In many countries people are concerned about the number of children who are overweight
what do you think are the causes of this? What solution can you suggest?

Some measures to tackle the obesity problem

In industrial society nowadays, so many children over the world are suffering from obesity and it is serious problem. There are some underlying causes that will be discussed in this essay and I will put forward some solution to tackle this situation.

There are many causes connected with this problem. That the lack of physical exercise is the one cause is obvious. Children are having a tendency to have unhealthy eating habit so their favorite foods are fast food or unhealthy junk food. However, the pace of life increases, some children have to study academic subjects all day and be involved in less outdoor activities. This will result in serious health problem and have a negative influence on their health because exercise can make our body be sweaty and eliminate poison element. They have to be responsible for some ailments such as high blood pressure heart disease and especially obesity which causes health deterioration. Having abstinence is not easy because they were used to eating a lot. Also, with a big body, they will feel shame about it and become unconfident. Consequently, they do not want to communicate with anyone, which cause a serious problem about their life such as mental diseases.

Taking effective measures to exercise as soon as possible can be the best solution ever. Parents should not be indifferent to gain weight of their children instead of raising their awareness of exercise. Let them know how bad sedentary lifestyle is or health risks associated with overweight. Make sure they have effective future eating habits by preventing them from unhealthy food, forcing them to eat more vegetables and drink water every day. Schools should organize more outdoor activities instead of studying all day is likely to progress rapidly in their health. This may bring a good chance to obtain a lot of real skill. They are not shamed and bout their body anymore.

In conclusion, obesity is a serious problem that children have to deal with. However, if they make sure exercise to be done every day, they do not have to worry anymore.

To, for starters, you do not properly represent the requirements for the opening statement. You are required to present at least 3 sentences that will compose the outline of the essay discussion. You were not able to accomplish that task. Aside from that, the outline of your opening statement needs more work. You are supposed to present the problem, indicate that you agree that this is a serious problem, then indicate that you will be suggesting possible solutions to the problem.

With regards to paragraph 2, there is a prompt deviation in the sense that you are discussing the possible outcomes of being overweight. While your discussion about having heart ailments and similar discussions apply to the prompt, you need not have presented mental illnesses and problem with communicating with others. Those are not usually associated with obesity and therefore, do not need to be presented in the essay. Assuming such factors would require you to create a longer, evidence based discussion when the essay should only be based on commonly known information regarding obesity and the possible solutions for it.

Paragraph 3 has an inconsistency. What you should have said was "Parents should not be indifferent to their children's weight gain and should encourage them to exercise once they begin to gain unreasonable weight." The current sentence that you have is very confusing and does not make sense. It causes undue stress on the reader and will lower your final score in terms of grammatical accuracy.

All of the problems that you essay faces have led it to create an ill effective conclusion that did not properly close the essay because it failed to follow the format requirements for an IELTS Task 2 Writing Test.

@Holt
Thank you so much! Can I have your email for askig sone problem? And what are 3 sentences of the introduce?Can you give me example?

An example of the proper opening statement for this discussion would be:

The current lifestyle of the present generation of youngsters have led to an increase in obesity. This is a worldwide health problem that has been caused by a number of controllable reasons. In this essay, I will discuss the obesity problem along with its causes. Finally, I will also offer possible solutions to help solve the worldwide obesity problem of the youth.

I have to apologize but I cannot give you my email address. We have strict privacy rules at this forum and publicly sharing our email address in the discussion boards is not allowed. I am always available to assist you through this forum anyway. I am online almost 24.7 so if you need to ask a question or clarification, you are sure to get a response from me within the day. Just remember to write my name at the beginning of the thread so that I will know that you require my attention immediately.

Mai, IELTS is a very technical Test of English of Language and as such, should be given proper attention during practice, especially by bilingual individuals. The task 2 of writing component of IELTS is used to test your ability to communicate your ideas in writing while heeding the rules of English Grammar. Usually, a model answer to this part of the component should contain only 3-4 paragraphs and that should yield at least 250 words in 40 minutes: as required. Your essay is almost 350 words. In the real test, writing 500-750 words that are not properly structured will earn you nothing but a very low score.

It is a rule of thumb that by the time you develop 3-4 paragraphs of at least 3 sentences each, you shall have hit 250 words or more. A good and perfectly structured 250-255 word essay is far better than 350-500 word essay that contains avalanche of errors. Remember that in the real test, you must write in such a manner that you would have time to review your essay before the elapse of allotted time. Having said that, I want you to examine a model answer to IELTS writing task 2 and take note of how the ideas in the essay are developed.

paragraph 1 = Introduction that gives an overview of the points/ideas that the essay will elaborate on.
paragraph 2 = first point starts with a topic sentence and then 2-3 subordinate sentences
paragraph 3 = second point unfolds in similar pattern as in paragraph 2.
paragraph 4 = conclusion summarizes the points in 2&3 and then makes suggestions where necessary.

Depending on how your points are developed, the paragraphs may be 3 in number accordingly. If you have this in mind while practicing, I promise you that you will improved beyond your imaginations. You can create topic questions by yourself and try answering the prompts after which you give it to others to review or you can post it here.

I hope to see improved essays from you.