IELTS 2- insufficient respect is shown to older people

Experts, Kindly need your review on my essay :-)

In many countries today insufficient respect is shown to older people
What do you think may be the reasons for this?
What problems might this cause in society?
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Broadly speaking, the younger people have to respect the older one. It is quite understandable knowing most culture teach their young generation such habit. Today, however, the essence of this respect feeling seems likely to decline. This essay will analyze the reason how it happens and the effect of this degradation value.

One of the main reasons why the good respect in the past does no longer happen anymore is because of the drawback of non-educative TV program. We often watch on TV that a number of kids program like Sinchan shows an appropriate attitude. Lazy to study or even bullying his teacher are some bad examples of such toddler program showed freely changing the culture. Moreover, the invasion from modern culture often worsen this condition. Again, mass media take a great role in this aspect. Modern culture considers every single person has the same right and equal position in all occasion. It is usually imitated by the viewer then applies it in their daily live. Clearly, it makes this inadequate respect comes up.

There are some negative impacts of this bad culture if there is no real action to reflate it. Firstly, it is highly likely that the the honor attitude to parents will be eradicated in the near future. Furthermore, the level of trust to others will be erased as the respect to elderly tends to lose. Clearly, such condition is far from the Madani Society concept as according to philosopher it is the ideal pattern of society.

Ultimately, sufficient respect feeling to older people should be kept in order to prevent the worse condition happened. As far as I am concerned, some causes and impacts said warn us to immediately take action.

Broadly speaking, the younger people have to respect the older one.people


This habit of respecting the elderly people is encouraged by almost every culture.
Today, however, the essence of this respect feeling seems likely to decline.to be declining.


.... Well, here you have a few issues - vocabulary is not appropriate, less clarity etc. Give more prominence to your reasoning;
One of the main reason why young people are less respectful towards the elders is that the influence of the TV programs that are more commercial based.

These are not a good grasp of colloquial language. Possible solution: Get some lessons for academic vocabulary in use.


For the real test, when writing a conclusion for task 2, I always start with the words "In conclusion". There's no reason why you should learn any alternatives.

Your writing is good. However, this lacks task response, flow of the sentences, and vocabularies.
Possible solution: instead of writing, you'd better draft essays as many as possible. By this, you can examine essays more closely: what language style you will use, what the tone is, what the purpose is..., expository or argumentative essays?