Unanswered [0] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5

International fast food companies have spread their branches - junk food is available everywhere

ayibram 6 / 16 2  
Sep 25, 2017   #1

Traditional Food Vs International Fast Food

Question : In many countries, traditional food is being replaced by international fast food. This is having a negative effect on both families and societies. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The Processed Food Deluge

In recent years, International fast food companies have spread their branches to some countries. It causes negative impacts not only in the issue of health but also in cultural identity which replaced the traditional food. I strongly agree with this opinion that International fast food will lead to negative impact both on society and family.

First, junk food produced by International Companies will directly affect to the local cuisines in the particular area. It makes the sales of Small Medium-sized Enterprises (SMEs) in that country will decrease due to loss of customers who move to modern fast food. While it hard to avoid International fast food entering into one country, traditional food cannot easily be forgotten as it has cultural values to the country. Second, in terms of healthy, according to current research, junk food contains unhealthy ingredients that cause a number of different diseases to the human. For example, a substance called MSG that mostly found in junk food caused slow thinking for those who consumed often. Other chronic diseases such as high blood pressure will impact to the most of the people.

In the family scope that usually consumes fast food, will disadvantage by losing their family closeness due to the less of time spending together with family members. For example, mothers who not cooked in their homes will unlikely to have a good relationship with their kids because they invest less time to their kids or other family members.

In conclusion, it seems to me that junk food obviously leads to several problems both in society and the family. All stakeholders should rethink about the strategy to solve and prevent this problem for a long-term objective.

Will appreciate all feedbacks :)
diligentwriter 3 / 3  
Sep 25, 2017   #2
In my opinion, you are supposed to use present tense rather than future tense.
hgianghgiang 7 / 14 3  
Sep 25, 2017   #3
- "While it hard to avoid International fast food entering into one country, traditional food cannot easily be forgotten as it has cultural values to the country." This sentence clearly opposes to the point you are presenting. It simply doenst belong to the essay. This will cause confusion.

- Your second body paragraph should mention how fast food stores encourage clients to eat out before claiming its negative impact on family integration.

- Lastly, in your concluding paragraph, you added further suggestion. This will not conclude the whole essay. I often make this mistake also. 😟
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,919 4799  
Sep 25, 2017   #4
Aulia, this is an impressive attempt at writing an "extent" essay. Most students here have a hard time deciphering how such an essay should be written but you seem to have figured it out on your own. I bet you read the other extent essay samples here and learned from the advice given to them. It is clearly reflected in the manner that you discussed your essay. In as much as your essay is truly good in content, there are still a number of problems that exist with your writing.

First of all, the proper voice to be using in your writing should be present tense. The present tense usage indicates what the original prompt does. It continues the implication that this is a currently existing problem that needs to be addressed. Since the problem does not have any proposed or present solutions at the moment, then the present tense of words should be used.

Next, when you discuss your reasons, do not discuss 2 reasons in one paragraph. Allow yourself the opportunity to display your cohesiveness and cohesion in your writing by fully developing a complex presentation of one reason per paragraph. That way, your line of reasoning becomes more effective as you offer further evidence to support your claims in every paragraph.

Finally, in your concluding paragraph, do not hypothesize by using the word "seems". You have to be definite because this is an extent essay. Be definite in your paraphrasing of the topic, repeat your extent of belief in a new presentation, and summarize your reasons within 5 sentences in order to close the essay on a tremendously strong point.
OP ayibram 6 / 16 2  
Sep 25, 2017   #5
Hi Sheanen, yeah I just realized it. Thank you for your feedback :)

@hgianghgiang Hi Nguyen, thank you for the feedback and It is true that I have difficult to conclude the essay that covers all topics I mentioned before. In the second paragraph also I will try to put more supporting details as you suggest. Thanks

Dear Mary, your feedback is always helpful and thought-provoking for me. I will try to don't put many ideas in one paragraph, use appropriate tenses and will replace the word 'It seems' to be 'I believe' in this type of essay. Thank you again.

Home / Writing Feedback / International fast food companies have spread their branches - junk food is available everywhere
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳