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IELTS WT2, Fast-food companies should not be allowed to give away free toys with their food

macbz 2 / 4  
Nov 30, 2017   #1
Hello, I'm aiming band 7 in writing. Please help to review, any suggestion will be helpful. Appreciate your help!
261 words.

Fast-food companies should not be allowed to give away free toys with their food.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

fast foods Lure Kids with Toys

This is a common business model that some junk food restaurant owners promote their products with free toys in recent years. Some people argue that this strategy should be banned. In my opinion, I firmly agree with this statement because of following reasons.

One reason is this policy can reduce obesity problems in society, especially for young generations. There are several articles point out that children are easy to gain more weight and develop an illness which should be happened in elder aging, compared to the past twenty years. This is a consequence of the artificial ingredients they obtained. Ending this marketing strategy can diminish the young people's craving for possessing hamburgers and toys at the same time, thus lower their opportunity to absorb the foods which contain less nutritious but high calories.

Another reason is that prohibiting giving toys without charging with unhealthy meals can cut down the unnecessary waste for the environment. Since fast-food restaurant provides services at a fast pace, they have been intriguing some consumers to purchase junk food for saving time. For instance, some office workers who head to the KFC in the noon for efficiency. Playing is not their main purpose to walk into the store. It is a high possibility they tend to abandon the toy in the trash once they receive it. The kindness offers become meaningful and harmful to the environment.

In conclusion, it seems to me that banning the promotion of selling convenience food with free toys can benefit the society and the environment by reducing the fatness issue and garbage.
quanghuy219 1 / 2 2  
Nov 30, 2017   #2
I think it is better to mention your reasons in the first paragraph and I also found some mistakes here
obesity problems ---> rate
foods which contain less nutritious ... ----> foods which are low in nutritional value ...
... becomes meaningful---> meaningless
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,567 3753  
Dec 1, 2017   #3
Kay, you have set an admirable goal for yourself with regards to your desired score for the IELTS test. Unfortunately, this particular essay cannot score higher than a 4 within the given present scoring criteria because of a number of reasons. Let me break these reasons down for you per scoring consideration below.

Task Accuracy - This is an extent essay. Therefore, the response to the prompt should include the terms strongly, partially, fully, or "to a certain extent". Your response should have been "I strongly agree with the statement because..." instead of "I firmly agree". Firmly does not provide a measurement of emotion and thus, cannot be used in this discussion. Additionally, your first sentence makes the presentation start in the middle of a paragraph by saying "This is a common business model" rather than at the beginning by presenting the topic for discussion first. Remember, you cannot begin the discussion of the essay in the opening paragraph. Save the actual discussion start for the second paragraph as required.

Coherence and Cohesiveness - Your ideas are not present in a manner that makes your meaning and discussion intentions clear to the reader. The essay lacks organization and does not offer a clear response progression. Your third paragraph, referring to KFC is misplaced because the restaurants normally do not sell the toys to the adults without children. More importantly, an adult has never been known to order a kiddie meal for himself when on lunch break because the servings of those meals are too small for an adult. So you made a mistake in evidence presentation which shows that you don't really understand the concept behind the prompt.

Lexical Resource - Your vocabulary is basic. It also shows a lack of vocabulary understanding / meaning of English words in your presentation. Your limited control over word formation using English basic words left me, as a reader, in stress as I came to the end of your essay because your sentences oftentimes lacked meaning and clarity regarding the discussion topic.

GRA - You presented a limited sentence structure range and could not advance beyond a faulty simple sentence presentation. The errors in the sentence structure are so noticeable that it impeded the understanding of the overall work you did.

As a final note, your concluding paragraph was written as a run-on sentence. This should have been split into at least 3 sentences in order to be more aligned with the minimum paragraph requirements of the C&C paragraph scoring considerations.

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