Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width   Posts: 5


IELTS: International imprisonment level report; 'USA recorded the top notch level rate'



SHanafi 120 / 357  
Mar 22, 2014   #1
The chart gives evidence regarding a comparison of imprisonment level in five major nations around the world over a 50-year period from 1930 to 1980.

Overall, the figures of imprisonment level varied considerably one another. However, USA recorded the top notch level rate out of the five countries during statistic period.

Turning to the details, appearing by 100 thousand prisoners in 1930, the number of prisoner in USA was slightly fluctuated from 1940 to 1970. However, these figures recovered slightly to approximately 140 prisoners for four decades following. Evidently, statistic for Australia and New Zealand also experienced a period of fluctuation with a gradual drop in the first half then it continued a slight increase in second half period.

A more detailed look at the graph compares that the imprisonment level in Canada and Great Britain was not always steady. In 1930, the number of prisoner in Britain recorded by 25 thousands, since then the figures have experienced a gradual increase to 83 thousand in the end of period. Standing in contrast with the former, Canada experienced a fluctuation in their imprisonment level. While, these figures felt slightly from 120 thousands in 1930 to around 114 thousand a decade later, it was a slight recovery before plummeted gradually to less than 100 thousands in the last half period.

Interestingly, there are 2 similar number of imprisonment shown, in 1930 and 1970, which are included different numbers of countries.


  • Improsiner_rate_of_c.jpg


dumi 1 / 6795  
Mar 22, 2014   #2
The chart gives evidence regarding a comparison of imprisonment level in five major nations around the world over a 50-year period from 1930 to 1980.

The chart is not giving any evidence, but provides information or details. Include your prompt so that we get a better idea about what it means. "giving evidence" sounds a bit awkward and such expressions my get the examiner to deduct marks on your vocabulary usage. Be careful! You should stick one solid style without experimenting with words.

Overall, the figures of imprisonment level varieddiffered considerably from one another. However, the USA recorded the top notchhighest level rate out of the five countries during statisticthe period under review.

top notch hotel, top notch executive (it is not appropriate for this idea )
OP SHanafi 120 / 357  
Mar 22, 2014   #3
giving evidence" sounds a bit awkward and such expressions my get the examiner to deduct marks on your vocabulary usage. Be careful! You should stick one solid style without experimenting with words .

:(((. Thank you, Dumi. I realise that I am not as pace as my friend to understand about IELTS writing. To me it doesn't matter to write the same prompt in order to make me understand. Now I'm on my way to find suitable pattern in order to preparing my exam. I hope you are willing to comment my following essay even I write the same prompt.
andial 21 / 48  
Mar 22, 2014   #4
I completely agree with dumi that "evidence" is not appropriate contextually. "shows" or "illustrates" will be much better.

the number of prisoner in USA was slightly fluctuated from 1940 to 1970

.

The meaning seems inaccurate if using passive voice.
suggestion : there was a slight fluctuation
OP SHanafi 120 / 357  
Mar 27, 2014   #5
I completely agree with dumi that "evidence" is not appropriate contextually. "shows" or "illustrates" will be much better.

...Thank you for the correction, andial :D. I should be more careful to choose appropriate word


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS: International imprisonment level report; 'USA recorded the top notch level rate'
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Need professional help with your assignments? Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳