Dear Wiwik, your essay is understandable. Yet, let me give you some suggestions, I hope they are overly helpful for you:1. Please avoid
redundant wordFor example :
The inventing of the internet make people change in their life.
You are able to change into
The internet invention change the majority of people's lives.2. Use the
paraphrase and avoid the same vocabularies in order to attract the readers
For example :
For instance, in village, people can do their activity without the internet and they get the same result.
You are able to change into
For pragmatic instance, mostly people are able to act without internet which the result is similar to people in available internet.3. Commonly, to fully- developed example, you have to choose:
a. Research of Scientific fact
b. Statement in Journal or article or book
c. Personal experience
Since I just found the fact in your body paragraph, I suggest you to add
a novel research for your topic in order to
emphasize your statements.