I have just completed my piece of writing but don't have anyone to help me out. Hope that you guys can help me from structure and grammer perspectives. Since it is a 30-minute test, I did not do any modifications by now and hope that you could give a mark （out of 30）.
Thanks so much.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________Some people say that the Internet provides people with a lot of valuable information. Others think access to much information creates problems. Which view do you agree with?
Within the last few generations, there has been an unprecedented improvement on technology in society, not to mention the great advencement of the Internet. A large number of people are so obssessed with the Internet so that they cannot live without it even in a moment. While the Internet brings great benefits to individuals all over the world, people are arguring whether the information from the Internet has created some problems. Personally speaking, the Internet provides us an access to redundant, violent and fraudulent information.
First of all, there is no doubt that the Internet offers us with a colossal amount of repetitive information. Take the Youtube as an example: once there is a piece of popular video updated on the web, it will be shared by millions of people, so that a considerable number of my friends will repost the message again and again. Sometimes I really want the website to have a specific function so that I can get rid of browsing redundant information, which is virtually a waste of time.
In addition, the Internet are believed to impair young people because of violent images showed in the online games. For instance, there was a famous case, where a young college student killed three classmates after playing violent online computer games in 2003 in China, because he was misled by the information and could not tell the realistic world with the game world. Violent information displayed on the Internet does have some consequences on juvenile delinquency.
Last but not least, the Internet makes it much more easier to get in touch with frauds than before. Hackers are so sneaky that they tend to take advantage of people's attentions on juicy gossip. Within one simple click, people are led to particular pages so that their computers are locked by illegal hackers and cannot be unlocked without ransom. What's even worse is that they are inventing new means to fool people following the development of the Internet.
In conclusion, the Internet has brought us with so much repetitive, violent and fraudulent information, as a result, it is uncomfortable for us to use it.