I have just completed my piece of writing but don't have anyone to help me out. Hope that you guys can help me from structure and grammer perspectives. Since it is a 30-minute test, I did not do any modifications by now and hope that you could give a mark （out of 30）.
Thanks so much.
Some people say that the Internet provides people with a lot of valuable information. Others think access to much information creates problems. Which view do you agree with?_________________________________________________________________________________________________
Within the last few generations, there has been an unprecedented improvement on technology in society, not to mention the great advencement of the Internet. A large number of people are so obssessed with the Internet so that they cannot live without it even in a moment. While the Internet brings great benefits to individuals all over the world, people are arguring whether the information from the Internet has created some problems. Personally speaking, the Internet provides us an access to redundant, violent and fraudulent information.
First of all, there is no doubt that the Internet offers us with a colossal amount of repetitive information. Take the Youtube as an example: once there is a piece of popular video updated on the web, it will be shared by millions of people, so that a considerable number of my friends will repost the message again and again. Sometimes I really want the website to have a specific function so that I can get rid of browsing redundant information, which is virtually a waste of time.
In addition, the Internet are believed to impair young people because of violent images showed in the online games. For instance, there was a famous case, where a young college student killed three classmates after playing violent online computer games in 2003 in China, because he was misled by the information and could not tell the realistic world with the game world. Violent information displayed on the Internet does have some consequences on juvenile delinquency.
Last but not least, the Internet makes it much more easier to get in touch with frauds than before. Hackers are so sneaky that they tend to take advantage of people's attentions on juicy gossip. Within one simple click, people are led to particular pages so that their computers are locked by illegal hackers and cannot be unlocked without ransom. What's even worse is that they are inventing new means to fool people following the development of the Internet.
In conclusion, the Internet has brought us with so much repetitive, violent and fraudulent information, as a result, it is uncomfortable for us to use it.
Menglu, I will not score this essay on a band of 3o. Instead I will use the TOEFL 5/5 test score as that is what I am familiar with using. Overall, my assessment of your essay is that it will not score higher than a 2, which is a failing mark on the test. The reasons for this are obvious to an examiner's eye. Simply put, you did not properly restate the prompt, you did not respond to the prompt, and you discussed a topic totally different from the prompt requirement. Let me explain further below:
The prompt asked you to agree with a particular point of view based on the idea that
" Some people say that the Internet provides people with a lot of valuable information. Others think access to much information creates problems. Which view do you agree with? "
Rather than providing an agreement or disagreement based upon the prompt requirement, in the first paragraph you decided to instead respond to a totally different prompt:
Personally speaking, the Internet provides us an access to redundant, violent and fraudulent information.
Now, I have listed the original prompt for the discussion above. Look at the line of reasoning that you are being asked to deliver a point of view on. Do you see how you failed to deliver the prompt requirement? Your opinion does not agree nor disagree with the given points of view. You chose to discuss a totally irrelevant topic instead.
I believe that you misunderstood the prompt, which caused you to deliver the wrong response. You provided irrelevant specifics and, as you can see from your opening statement and the rest of your discussion,it ran opposite to the prompt you were provided. The problem with your essay is not the grammar. The problem is your inability to properly understand the prompt requirements. That is a serious problem because it prevents you from responding correctly to the given discussion.
Thank you so much !
I did not analyze the prompt carefully.
"Others think (that) access to much information creates problems. " = "much information → problems"
The information is still valuable ≠ redundant or violent or fraudulent information
Is this what the prompt wants to express ? Do I understand it correctly this time?
Menglu, you have a slight misunderstanding of the prompt. The prompt indicates; "Some people say that the Internet provides people with a lot of valuable information. Others think access to much information creates problems. Which view do you agree with?". The proper approach to the opening statement, which would fix the flow of discussion would have been as follows:
The internet is an unlimited source of information. People can easily access any and all information that they wish to have. That is why people believe that the internet provides easy access to information to everyone. However, there are other people who believe that the fact that the internet provides too much access to information causes problems. I tend to agree with the point of view that the unlimited access to information on the internet can create problems.
From that point my discussion would have covered the following points:
1. Wikipedia is an open source of information that allows anybody to edit the information. Therefore the information is not credible when taken from that source. Since most students read Wikipedia for their studies, they are not sure if their information is right or wrong.
2. There are too many advertising websites masquerading as informative and official websites, because of this, people cannot accurately assess the information they read.
3. The advent of social media has turned everyone into a citizen journalist. Hence, all opinions have become valid although questionable.
After relating those points, I would then conclude the essay by saying that the aforementioned reasons as the primary reasons as to why the internet, although it offers access to enormous amounts of information, causes problems for those who use it.
Do you see how the discuss becomes more prompt responsive in the outline and thesis statement that I created? You should have developed the essay in a similar pattern.