Unanswered [29] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3


Internet is as violent as entertaining - essay based on a short story


qin6882060 1 / 7 2  
Nov 29, 2017   #1

Topic: Internet violence



A girl posted a racial statement online before boarding. As the plane landed after 8 hours, she switched on her phone and discovered she had been brutally criticized by others. Some radical netizens even dug out her real personal information and address, revealing them online. She also lost her job because of this.

Write a 500-word essay based on the story above.


Could anyone possibly help me with it, thank you very mcuh.

In recent years, the internet has been developed tremendously which provides us with innumerable approaches to acquire information and variant platforms to share our experience, opinions and complains, thus, brings us a great deal of joy and entertainment. However, in my perspective, every great invention has its positive side and its negative, for example, sword cuts both sides and fire can be used to get us warmed and also get us burned. Similarly, the invention of internet opens up a new world of what one might call "Internet Era". It gives us so much fun that we hardly remember the risk of being exposed in a world where might be as dangerous as in our reality.

The anonymous girl seems to be the kind of person who enjoys sharing opinions and compliance online. She might not have too much consideration when she posted such unwise speech which arose so many dissatisfactions and attack from others. Given the situation that she was boarded on the plane and could not react, be it a deletion or apologies, until it was too late, the post rendered increasing readership, more discussion, and more anger. The post brought her great trouble and had her sacked. She should have learned the lesson after such tragedy had happened. However, the danger existed long before that post. Many platforms or social networks online require us to provide personal information as we register. Most of the platforms are reliable to some extent, while some of them are not. Besides, sometimes our information could be disclosed via the kinds of stuff we post, such as pictures with our information contained or locations, or even possibly via our social circles, our friends who might post some information about us unintentionally, which means her personal information had already been put in certain place insecure, rendering the disclosure of her information.

Despite the fact that the Internet is someplace where we can cast aside the burden and displeasure of the outside world, the potential danger must be well assessed and well aware. Failure to do so could result in the disclosure of our personal information and even much worse, be it mental injury or asset loss. This can be further illustrated by taking an example from coursework submission. As a student or anyone who has the experience of submitting essay or publishing articles, our work should be original, or otherwise, it would be considered as plagiarism which could cause serious academic misconduct. Last year, one of my roommate, Lily, was penalized for an essay submitted as a coursework. Since her English is not fluent and many grammar mistakes could be found in her essay, she published it online in an English learning platform for getting some proofread by other people. Indeed, she got a lot of help of improving her essay, but unfortunately, a similar essay was discovered by the tutors. She endeavored to explain to the tutors, but she could hardly change their mind. In the last, she had to take the resit exam as well as the student who copied her idea.

In order to protect your personal information and the ones of your concern, do take any risk into account while using the Internet which is as violent as entertaining.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,801 4780  
Nov 30, 2017   #2
Boyu, the instruction you provided does not seem complete. You indicated that you have to write a 500 word essay based on the story, but what kind of essay was it supposed to be? A reaction essay or a creative narrative that retells the story in a more intricate manner? I am confused about that part. I am confused because your essay is just basically a retelling of the same story, with no real observations or comments that were not based upon the information provided. Unless you can clarify the type of essay that you were supposed to write, I doubt that the following advice will be useful to you. However, since this essay has been posted, I will try to advise you regarding it. The essay should have began with the second paragraph because that makes a direct reference to the story you were given. This creates a "direct response" to the story and immediately engages the reader. The first paragraph is just unnecessary fluff. Do not use slang terms such as "sacked" in a formal academic essay. Instead, use more formal terms such as "terminated from her job". Be formally descriptive, not creatively casual in your presentation. This is still a formal written discussion after all. The reference to your roommate is not necessary in this instance. You changed the course of the prompt discussion by closing with a different example that is not related to the story you were asked to write about. Doing so altered the total presentation and, that being the last presentation in the commentary, has led the reader to remember the wrong information coming out of your essay. This is about the girl in the story, not your roommate so do not introduce unrelated examples at the end if you cannot connect it to the original prompt.
OP qin6882060 1 / 7 2  
Nov 30, 2017   #3
@Holt
Dear Holt. Thank you very much for your advice! I will reconsider the problem that you have mentioned carefully. It is true that the instruction is partial which was given by my friend. As you can see, I have a long way to go before the day when I am capable of writing a good work. I really appreciate your honest and patient comment on my first posted essay which encourages me to continue writing. You truly have made my day. Long may you enjoy your every day and happy Christmas!


Home / Writing Feedback / Internet is as violent as entertaining - essay based on a short story
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳