hi, this is my TOEFL essay. I try to finish it in 30mins.
Would you give me opinions about my essay? Thanks in advance.
Q:What change would make your hometown more appealing to people your age? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.
Personally, I prefer to use a lot of Internet services and go around. Therefore, if I could make some changes to attract people to my hometown like my age, I would like to improve the Internet service and public transportation systems.
Nowadays, people rely on Internet service more than before. They could receive a vast amount of information which could help them make decisions much better. Besides, the Internet service improve our work more efficiency as well. However, in my hometown, there are only a few places which provide wireless Internet service such as fast food restaurants or universities. It is not prevalent and available in many places. If the Internet service has been improved, we can use this service in parks, stations or squares. This means that we can discuss our assignments in many places not only in MacDonald's where we have to fight against the tasty but high calories food during our talking.
Except the Internet service, another change that I want to make is to improve the public transportation. In my hometown, there are a few bus stops. This means that there are many traffic jams and accidents during the rush hours. Providing more runs and stops of bus service is a good way to reduce problems above. On the other hand, there are some benefits to the elder people and youngsters like me. These groups are not suitable to drive on road due to their ages. A convenient and safety way to help these people is to provide a better public transportation. Therefore, a good public transportation will benefit my hometown people in many aspects such as reduced numbers of accident, declined the traffic jams, and a more secure way for the older and youngster people to go around.
To conclude, if people whose ages are like me also prefer to use Internet service and go around, they will like these two improvements that I make. Everywhere available Internet service and more routines of bus service as I mentioned above are the best changes which will appeal people in my age to my hometown.
Personally, I prefer to use a lot of Internet services and
go around ??? go around?
Oh, I see. I think you should type:
Personally, I prefer to use a lot of Internet services and visit many different places. Therefore, if I could make some changes to attract people to my hometown, I would like to improve ...
This means that we can discuss our assignments in many places other than in MacDonald's, where we have to fight against the tasty but high-calorie food during our conversations.
talking . Except In addition to the Internet service, another change that I want to make ...
In my hometown, there are only a few bus stops.
:-) Great job!!! Keep practicing.