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IELTS Introductions; Need correction only for introduction.


tiaDS 73 / 251 52  
Feb 1, 2014   #1
Some people believe that visitors to other countries should follow local customs and behavior. Others disagree and think that the host country should welcome cultural differences. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

Each country has different customs and behavior, so travelers have to adapt with this diversity like people who do vacation, they have to follow the local culture in this county which is visited. Standing in contrast, critics claim country should accept the cultural differences which are influenced by tourists. I will discuss the two views further.

Today, the high sales of popular customer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold.To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Advertisement encourages customer's eager to buy the products and increase high income for company which promotes their product. Having said and done, it makes people to purchase many products which are not important in daily life. I think that pros and cons of these views which are discussed in this essay.

In some countries, it is common for women to find a job when their children are young. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?

Many women become working mothers. This is occurring, because of growing economical pressure, personal preference and so forth. In this day and age, women are not restricted to be homemaker as compared to the past. There are the merits and the demerits which are being discuss in this essay.

dumi 1 / 7,200 1592  
Feb 1, 2014   #2
Each country has different customs andbehavior traditional values, so travelers have to adapt withto this diversity like people who do vacation, they have to follow the local culture in this county which is visited .

This sounds better if you had presented them in couple of sentences. The second part should come in a new sentence.

customer's eager

customer's - one customer
customers' - many customers
Also, "eager" is not an appropriate word to use for this idea. This is the danger of trying to use synonyms. Eager means " strongly wanting to do or have something" or a keen desire, but this word is used in different situations like;

I am eager to pursue a career in medicine/ I am eagerly waiting to meet you
For this scenario, you can use the words like "wants/ needs/ requirements"
Pahan 1 / 2,029 553  
Feb 2, 2014   #3
This is occurring, because of growing economical pressure, personal preference and so forth.

This happens mainly due to the growing financial constraints in families.

In some countries, it is common for women to find a job when their children are young. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?
Many women become working mothers. This is occurring, because of growing economical pressure, personal preference and so forth. In this day and age, women are not restricted to be homemaker as compared to the past. There are the merits and the demerits which are being discuss in this essay.

Well, this is a pretty weak introduction. You fail to introduce the issue at all. Your issue is ;

In some countries, it is common for women to find a job when their children are young.

This is not about women becoming employed outside home, but about them becoming employed when their children are young. Nothing is said in your intro in this regard.
OP tiaDS 73 / 251 52  
Feb 2, 2014   #4
This is not about women becoming employed outside home, but about them becoming employed when their children are young. Nothing is said in your intro in this regard.

Hello pahan, thanks for your correction, i rewrite this sentence as an introduction paraghraph.

Many women become working mothers when their children are young. This happens mainly due to the growing financial matter in families. Throughout the world, women are not restricted to be homemaker as compared to the past. There are the merits and the demerits which are being discuss in this essay.
Pahan 1 / 2,029 553  
Feb 2, 2014   #5
Many women become working mothers when their children are young. This happens mainly due to the growing financial matter in families. Throughout the world, women are not restricted to be homemaker as compared to the past. There are the merits and the demerits which are beingwill be discussed in this essay.

Well, still your issue is not getting conveyed properly. That should be the core of your introduction. However, it seems you still haven't got the knack of the structure which is appropriate for the intro. Ideally it should have a hook, background and opinion. You can do away with the hook, but background is a must because you need to tell the reader why that issue is worth discussing.


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