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GRE issue essay of claim and reason type

Ahona ash 1 / -  
Oct 21, 2017   #1
Claim: Even though young people often receive the advice to "follow your dreams," more emphasis should be placed on picking worthy goals.
Reason: Many people's dreams are inherently selfish.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim AND the reason on which that claim is based.

"follow your dreams"

"Today's young minds are tomorrow's future of the country", said a famous freedom fighter and former Prime Minister of India Jawaharlal Nehru. Thus, as the claim states, it is importance for young people to follow their dreams and emphasis should be laid on refining dream into action plan that is achievable. However, the reason is not completely justified.

A.P.J Abdul Kalam, a renowned scientist rightly said that, "A man without dreams is equivalent to bird without wings." Every man should have his goals and objectives in life. But where most young people fail is to channelise the dreams and show right direction to it. The claim emphasis on the need to set right goals which is completely agreeable. According to the reason provided, right goals have to be set because most dreams of people are selfish and greedy. But this might not be always true. Most young minds have intuition to achieve good and sane things.

The need for importance to be given to picking worthy goals has many other reasons. Firstly, youth lacks proper direction. For example, young A.P.J Abdul Kalam was drawn towards astronautics and aeronautics. If his teacher in school would have recognised his interest and guided him to carry out a course on Astronautics, India would have a missed an amazing talent of Kalam.

Secondly, youth are fascinated by power and money and thus, their dreams would be based on these factors than true passion and zeal.
Hence, proper guidance and career counselling should be given all young minds. It would be great change if career counselling is including as part of college or school curriculum. For example, I have seen most of my friends rushing to Computer Science Engineering course just to earn money without any interest towards the subject and most parents support the same. This should be changed and right direction should be showed.

It can also be agreed to some extent that people dreams sometimes are selfish. They are selfishly driven to earn money and live a life of luxury. This is the prime reason behinds thief, serial killers, terrorists, human trafficking,etc.

In summary, it is highly important for young people to dream and set right worthy goals for their own good and also for the global well being. But the importance to set right goals need not be just for the reason that young minds are driven by selfish motives but also because in most cases they lack guidance, direction and support.Totally, dream is a initial phase where as implementing and achieving the dream in right way is what matters eventually.

It was written under timed conditions (30 mins). Please grade the essay (on a scale of 0-6 preferably) and give your valuable feedback
pier 11 / 37 9  
Oct 21, 2017   #2
Hi likhita, Some corrections you may find it useful:
Importance ->important
dreams andbut the emphasis
Your parapharase seems incorrect since worthable goals are not necessarily achievable.
But where most young people fail is to channelise ... . As a reader I cannot understand this sentence.
your reason in the first paragraph is not clear.

Again I don't understand following sentence too, maybe you mean: There are many other important reasons behind picking worthy goals.
The need for importance to be given to p... .

The organization of other parts is not quite understandable to comment on.
just_writer 24 / 42 5  
Oct 21, 2017   #3
Here are some corrections,

it is important for young
to set the right goals which are completely
youth is fascinated
It would be a great change if a career counseling is included as part of a college or
should be shown
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,699 3503  
Oct 22, 2017   #4
likhitha, due to the existing problems with your essay, I do not believe that it can score higher than a 2. If you noticed, you did not clearly respond to the prompt requirement. There was no statement of agreement or disagreement with the statement provided. You instead tried to rely on quotes from people notable only in your society to try and explain your analysis of the essay. There is no proper referencing towards a logical flow of thought that would have helped you to properly analyze, represent, and explain your stance on the given statement. The format that you used for writing this essay is not in the GRE analytical format but rather and IELTS format discussion that relies mostly on public knowledge rather than a strong analysis based on critical thinking of the given statement. When you write this essay, you must dissect the original statement, looking for potential loopholes in the presentation that you can exploit in the discussion that you will be creating. That is how this essay is developed and written.

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