Jobs categories for graduate and postgraduate students

postgraduate students WORKING in the UK

The depicted bar chart outlines the number of graduate and post graduate students in UK, who instead of performing full time job, get themselves involve in different categories of jobs in the year 2008. Overall the comparative data summarized that most of the graduate students inclines to start further studies while post graduate students were also gone for further studies though with a little margin with part time jobs.

A closer look at the graph revealed that in year 2008 graduate students who went for further studies hit the peak with figure of 29,665, which had shown the significant difference with part time and jobless persons (17,735 and 16, 335 respectively). However volunteer workers took a nose dive of 3500 persons only.

Interestingly, the percentage of post graduate students was one third to the graduate students, still they again pursued to achieve further studies. But at this point part time workers showed slight dip in percentage of 2535 compared to the other category of further studies that stood at 2725. volunteer workers were as low as 345 in number.

"postgraduate"
"the UK"
"full-time", "part-time"
"the graduate students inclines" should not add "s"
"... revealed that in the year 2008 "
"However,"

Hello @zoyatariq,

I have some suggestions for your writing as below:
+ First sentence: I think you should write the opening sentence as simple as possible. Maybe you may write like this: "The bar chart outlines/compares the number of graduate and postgraduate students with various categories of occupation/job in the UK in the year 2008."

+ Second sentence (overall sentence): you should use "past simple" for this sentence. Ex: ...inclines... --> inclined
Ex: It is noticeable that/It is obvious that/It is clear that most of the graduate students intended to start further studies, while post graduate students continued further studies except some doing part time jobs.

+ About two detailed paragraph: you did not show any comparison between two groups of student: graduate and postgraduate in different categories, you just simply listed number of students in each categories. Because you didn't put any chart in the text, I guess there are four categories: continue further studies, part time, unemployed, and volunteer work for two type of students ?

--> my recommendation: you should divide into 2 categories for each detailed paragraph and show comparison between graduate and post-graduate students. In my opinion, this will impress the examiner more than just simply listing number.

Ex: Detailed paragraph 1: (further studies + volunteer): graduate vs post graduate students
Detailed paragraph 2: (part-time + unemployed): graduate vs post graduate students

That's all my opinion for your writing.
Regards.